I am feeling crazy. CRAZY. unstable. I just took a shower and I felt like my body was growing larger in front of me. I got on the scale and I weigh 10 lbs more than my lowest. The idea that gaining 10 lbs makes me think suicidal thoughts is terrible and warped and irrational. I looked at scars and bruises from my SI and I am disgusted with myself. I just feel gross. I’ve felt off all week. My therapy assignment from last week was to write a letter to my mom telling her everything I feel. Not actually giving her this letter but writing it out and I guess talking about it? I don’t know, I go back tomorrow. I typed 12 pages worth of thoughts and feelings towards my mom. Then this evening I looked at my phone and had a missed call/ voicemail. I listened to my voicemail and she sounds so normal. My parents sound so normal right now, am I crazy? Am I dellusional? I don’t think so, the things that happened really happened but now that my mom is being “normal” it feels like I am being dramatic and stupid. I don’t know what is real and what isn’t 🙁 I had to ask my girlfriend if it was my imagination…if I was making stuff up in my mind…if I was being overly dramatic? She said no and assured me that all of these things happened and reminded me of other times I’ve felt this way and thought the same things and for a while everything with them is ok but then my mom has a manic episode or they all of a sudden start preaching to me about being gay or anything. Something always blows up and explodes in my face. I re-read my letter and I don’t feel like anything is real. Is my medication not working? Is it my constant anxiety returning? If it is then will the anxiety attacks return? Will I be stuck in bed crying not being able to leave my house without fear of everything. I am totally using this blog as a “healthy” outlet right now in this moment because I’m tired of filling out impulse control logs and I’m tired of self-injuring and dealing with the aftermath. I feel like I did before the medication. Have I sabbotaged myself by using other substances? I feel out of control. I feel out of control in my mind but in reality I’m sitting in my bed in pj’s and just typing on a computer. My mind is racing, work feels impossible tomorrow, I am probably nervous about the therapy appt., I have no idea what is up. I am tempted to call my psychiatrist office and he’ll call back in the morning. He is going to tell me to take this antipsychotic pill I have “in case of emergency” but I wont because last time I took it for this reason I felt like a zombie for two days and I fell asleep on a break at work. He wont help. Writing in my journal isnt helping, my girlfriend is annoyed by me and my mood swings, my parents are not an option, there is no “I want to self injure, please help me” hotline. I don’t know what’s going on but I havent felt this out of control in a long time. Nothing feels real or right and my mind is racing and I don’t know what to do tonight 🙁