im trying to give up si-ing…but today the world just seems to be closing in and everything is suffocating me…from family to friends, to school to lil life things to am i a good person should i just be me…the past is a past that haunts me even on my best days through nightmares…i have been down for so long i keep trying to get back up but the world keeps putting me back down…i feel the need for the sense of relief that only comes when i hurt myself…i wish i could do just that but im trying to stop but i feel that it keeps calling my name…i just want to wake up to feel in control…and to deal with the past…i want to do something so that it will calm me…i need something…i wish everyone wouldnt expect me to be able to deal with the grownup problems without it getting to me…the lil things are pushing the bigger issues over the top and it hurts….i wish i could si, could give in, could find a way to cope…it would be soooo much easier but i must not…cause the easy way is never the best way though i wish it could be for once cause i dnt know how to handle wats going on in my life and the si-ing helps me forget it even if only for a lil while and i start back again feeling the pain i mean but i must not si…i cant break that promise to myself after so many others…

im also a lil sad cuase i talked to my friend abt this and she told me “u know wat go ahead and si, your gonna do it anyway.” this hurt a heck of a lot…i have to quit si-ing because wat started ou as me trying to gain control has started to control me

well srry for rambling its just that idk i had to say this…if anyone could help that would be apprecitated…thanks for reading if u read this…