It all started on Sunday, things where finally seeming to shine and my mom gets a call. It sounded serious, so she took the call outside. She never came back in. We get into the car and she tells us that Granny only has days to live. My mom flew a thousand miles to see her and spend her last moments with her. It all happened so fast. My parents told me they pulled the plug on the night of Tuesday. It wasn’t any formal notice, just a scream across the room and a text message from mom.

I wasn’t close to Granny, in fact, she scared the heck out of me. So, I’m not really that bothered, I think. I think I’m more bothered with the facts that someone I loved I will never see a smile on their face again. I think I’m more bothered that my reality of life is really starting to sink in on how everyone will die.

What is even harder is I haven’t injured in almost seven months and all I can think about is falling back. All I want to do is fall back and make the guilt go away. I want to remember what it felt like, but I don’t want the baggage that comes with it after your acts. I just want to do it and move on. I want to do it and still be able to say that I haven’t injured in over six months.

Why can’t I have that?
I have the perfect excuse.
I need help.