I’m going to see my parents in about an hour for the first time since Christmas. In the months since Christmas, my mom and I got in a huge fight when she started screaming stuff to me attacking my relationship, my love, my beliefs, she told me I’m weak and the list goes on and on. She made my Dad stop talking to me. It was painful and it still is but it made me for sure that I wouldn’t trust her with my heart again. She is mentally ill, she is sick and I can’t trust her. The only reason we started talking again is because my Grandma died last month. Our family cat we’ve had for 13 years died two nights ago in a bad way. I’m enraged, I don’t know why. I’m just angry. I’m seething with anger right now. I miss my grandma, I miss Max, I miss my old mom, and I miss the strong me that I found for a little while last year. I feel disgusting when I look in the mirror. I feel like I let myself down, like I am worthless and weak like my mom said. She would deny saying anything of the sort and my Dad would believe her. I’ve taken my anti anxiety pills, I’ve used substances today to numb the anger and the pain and the confusion. I used self injury hoping that would distract me, make me feel better but it didn’t and neither has anything else I’ve taken today. I passed out and woke up a little bit ago, my dad called and said they would be here sooner than expected and now I have to spend the next two hours with them before dinner and I can’t explain how I feel except rage. All of a sudden, unexpected, explosive rage. I have a “tool” with me that I’m taking just in case. I know how ridiculous that sounds but just knowing it’s there provides me with some kind of sick comfort.