I haven’t been on here since around October 2009. My SI-ing slowed down, but never completely stopped. I felt like…if I got away from everything that reminded me of my past, that it would maybe go away completely. I was wrong.

Last night, I SI’d right when my boyfriend of almost two years was in the room. His back was turned while doing homework, and I was up on my bed. A song I was listening to triggered it. I felt awful. I promised him I would stop. We have had nights where I have sobbed with a “tool” in my hand right after I SI’d, and he grabbed me, begging me to stop. I’ve made him sob before, too, because of it. Seeing that killed me inside.

I will never forget the night I was upset about something, and I swept into the kitchen, grabbed a “tool,” and went up to my bathroom and locked the door before he could get me. He sat outside my bathroom door with tears in his eyes as I sat on my bathroom floor, forcing myself to stop. I didn’t SI that night, thankfully. Knowing he was right there…I couldn’t. I came out of the bathroom, and he looked to make sure I was okay. We went downstairs, and he pulled me over and wrapped his arms around me. I went out to the garage and started crying. He came out, held me, and then I heard his crying in my ear. “Pooh bear, you have no idea how scared I was. I thought…I thought I was going to have to bust down the door and find you on the floor and have to call 911. Pooh bear please don’t leave me.” He said this through broken sobs.

I haven’t SI’d since then….until last night. Right behind his back. Literally.

What a horrible person I am.