Hi, I have a very long history of psychiatric problems, including self-injury. My earliest memory of hurting myself occurred when I was about 5 years old. I am 46 years old now and I am tired of working toward some fantastical world in which I will never hurt myself again. In the last couple of years, I started drinking, since it curbed the urge to do greater damage to myself. I even went inpatient as a “dually-diagnosed” person (depressed and drinking). I was only able to stop drinking during the time that I was in the hospital. Once I got out, the fear that I would injure myself, or worse, came back with even more vehemence, and I went back to drinking to allay those fears.
I have been in work situations that have caused me to hide away in the bathroom and injure myself to dispel the stress that I was feeling. Luckily, I have found a much better position at a different company, but I am afraid that my old patterns will surface and I will not be able to hold this position long.
I have done so much personal work in my life, just to live a normal life that most people take for granted. I honestly don’t know where to turn next. I have gone to AA and NA meetings but the frustrating thing is with them is that if I stop drinking, my problems are solved. They do not address the fear that I have about what if I stop drinking and hurt myself even worse?
I tried to get into a “Safe Alternatives” program, and found out that as of today, there is a waitlist for the adults. I also looked for a therapist in my area that specializes in helping those like me who self-harm, only to find out that the nearest therapist is a three-hour drive away.
I feel that I am running out of options. Isn’t there anything in this area that I can turn to? I am really trying, and really determined to live, and yet I am looking for help that doesn’t seem to be anywhere near me.