Hi, I have a very long history of psychiatric problems, including self-injury. My earliest memory of hurting myself occurred when I was about 5 years old. I am 46 years old now and I am tired of working toward some fantastical world in which I will never hurt myself again. In the last couple of years, I started drinking, since it curbed the urge to do greater damage to myself. I even went inpatient as a “dually-diagnosed” person (depressed and drinking). I was only able to stop drinking during the time that I was in the hospital. Once I got out, the fear that I would injure myself, or worse, came back with even more vehemence, and I went back to drinking to allay those fears.
I have been in work situations that have caused me to hide away in the bathroom and injure myself to dispel the stress that I was feeling. Luckily, I have found a much better position at a different company, but I am afraid that my old patterns will surface and I will not be able to hold this position long.
I have done so much personal work in my life, just to live a normal life that most people take for granted. I honestly don’t know where to turn next. I have gone to AA and NA meetings but the frustrating thing is with them is that if I stop drinking, my problems are solved. They do not address the fear that I have about what if I stop drinking and hurt myself even worse?
I tried to get into a “Safe Alternatives” program, and found out that as of today, there is a waitlist for the adults. I also looked for a therapist in my area that specializes in helping those like me who self-harm, only to find out that the nearest therapist is a three-hour drive away.
I feel that I am running out of options. Isn’t there anything in this area that I can turn to? I am really trying, and really determined to live, and yet I am looking for help that doesn’t seem to be anywhere near me.
I hear you, I don’t know what to say that will help, but I hear you.
Can you write what you’re feeling instead of hiding in the bathroom? One thing that helped my daughter is to distract herself.
I am so so sorry you are having such a rough time. I can just sense the pain and frustration in your writing. I can also tell that you really are at a point that you are willing to get and receive help and I think that is wonderful. I wish you well and pray for healing for you.
One suggection I may offer – did you have any connection to the AA or NA program? I am currently working a 12 step program for my food issues but find I can, in my own life, substitute “self injury” for food or alcohol or substances at almost any point in the literature. I am at a point in my recovery where I feel safe in not labeling myself strongly but using the program as a spiritual guide to help me stay “abstinent” from self injury. I have a friend for whom this also worked very well for. Maybe it’s something that can work for you as well.
Good luck to you. I know it’s not easy. One day at a time. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for the support, Barista and Julie! Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, but I was really depressed and just basically lying around.
But, I do have some good news. I had left a message with a therapist that my doctor recommended and she knows of a treatment program that is specific to my needs. Some of her patients have gone through this program (it is different from Safe Alternatives) and they have had some great results. I just set up an appointment for evaluation for next week. I am so excited to feel that maybe there is something that will help me to lead a healthy life.
Barista, I have actually been attending NA meetings. I found their program to be more relevant to my needs than AA was. I have done some stepwork but I think my main problem, aside from the fact that I am afraid to be by myself without some kind of sedative, is that lately my self-injury episodes have come on so suddenly that I have had literally no time to employ any kind of method to try and stop myself. That is the really scary part for me, and why I am so hopeful about this program. According to the therapist, they treat all types of self-injurious behavior, including suicidal feelings/tendencies as well as substance abuse, along with what we would usually characterize as self-injury.
In the past, the counselors and/or medical staff working with me have only addressed one or two facets of my problems, leaving me on my own to deal with the other issues and resulting in my only having partial success with any kind of recovery. This is the first time I have found a place that will deal with all aspects of what I am struggling with, and I truly hope to get to the root of all of this difficult behavior.
Thanks again for your support!