I have been clean for almost six and a half months now, and all I can think about is relapsing. That’s literally all I can think about right now. Sometimes, it gets more than that, to the point of concentrating on my last breath. I want everyone to think that I’m okay, so maybe, then I’ll feel okay, or at least better. How do I push away such strong urges and thoughts? I know they would make me fall back, but no one really pays attention anymore. No one searches for signs of injury on me. It’s been SIX months and no fall back, everyone believes that I’m one hundred per cent better. But I’m not. Not even close. I know where everything is in the house, I know how to get away with it, but I don’t remember how it used to feel when I was injuring. I don’t remember any details.. which is probably why I want to fall back. OMG. I wish I had the guts to text my friend in Massachusetts, but I don’t want to bum her out. I’m tired of pushing people away with my problems. I need help.