I just had my 24th birthday. I really feel like I should have things a little more together by now. I am so unhappy. I’m on pills to make me stable and they take the edge of the depression and mood swings off. I can’t stand where I live, it’s a mess and out of control because I am a mess and my partner is a mess and we are both broken and I don’t know what to do. She is a lot older than me and part of me wants her to take care of me. mommy issues. We were driving home from my birthday dinner at chilis tonight and we got pulled over for our tags being one day expired. It’s not a huge deal…but it just topped things off for her and she lost it. She was slamming the car door into the poles at the gas station and punching the car and screaming at me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. My coping skills are to self injure and to drink and to take pills…I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to help me. I’ve realized recently that even though she is so much older than me, age doesn’t matter much because she is just as lost as I am. I know what to do, I know I could make the right choice and pour the drink out and take out my journal and fill out an impulse control log and maybe even just go to sleep but I can’t 🙁 It’s like I HAVE to do something. I have to hurt myself. I don’t know WHY though. Why can’t I just go to sleep like everyone else? I’m taking deep breaths and I’m trying. I do not always make the right choices, I haven’t tonight, but I AM trying. The better part of me wants to pour the drink out and put the tools away but the other side is fighting it so hard. I’m not sure why part of me if so bent on hurting me. It’s been a bad year. My family betrayed me, I started drinking again and can’t stop, my grandma died and there is a hole in me and I miss her, I made a really stupid drugged induced mistake, my girlfriend is hurting and I’m not well enough myself in my head to know what to do, I feel completely lost and out of control.