I was at 10 months SI free, the longest I have gone for 3 years without, I really thought I was going to make 1 year. I have been fighting the urge to SI since the start of this semester and last night I gave in. I feel as if I am falling into a world of confusion and pain. I can’t focus and I feel physically unable to accomplish anything. I am falling behind in my classes and the work I am doing is not my best. I keep telling myself that SI will solve nothing, but it is the only way I know to even attempt to cope with these feelings. I have become such a good actress that my roommates don’t even know that I am depressed again, let alone that I am SIing again. I hate telling others when I am struggling with anything and therefore have problems asking for help. I feel as if I am alone, despite being constantly surrounded by other people.
I am going home for spring break in a week and I am terrified that my mom will figure out that I have started again and will be hurt by it. I am even more terrified that I wont be able to stop this this time.