I’m here today because something very weird is happening. My personality has just sort of been shifting in a way where I’m more at ease in the world, in easier relationship with others to a degree that my work life has been drastically altered by being more functional. I think I didn’t know what happiness was and now I’m beginning to maybe see it but like the sun I have to look away quickly because its brightness is painful. I want to record more of recovering here because it’s happening and it’s scary and all along the way there’s this boobie trap of si waiting to get me–trying to draw me back. I want so badly to cry. It’s really painful when I get stuck on the edge of crying like this but I have faith that I’m going in the right direction. I’m also starting to realize that I have the power to make boundaries. That I can say what I want. I’m starting to feel a little bit adventurous about life. My emotions change around a lot. I’m thankful that I have a lot of help and that at times I need more I ask for it. I have therapy and al-anon, which is somehow going right to all the issues under the si without having to talk about it directly which would be too triggering for me. After desperation, and crisis, I can see that I’m recovering. I like to meditate on the idea that crisis is when things get to the point where the old system can just no longer be maintained. I am so thankful for my crisis, thankful the old way had to no choice but to go. But sometimes it feel hard to breathe. Then I think about my therapist, figure out how much longer until I’m going to see him, call him if I need to, and the thought of time gives me a place from which to hold on. I told him last week that I can think of him and feel safer in the world. I thought I was admitting something terrible and said I felt ashamed. I couldn’t see him because I was looking to the side with humiliation but he said but he said back that he didn’t think it was shameful at all, in fact he was tearing up and I slowly looked at him and there were tears in his eyes. I’m sure it’s a moment I’ll remember for the rest of my life. …..it’s all changing.