I am overwhelmed. I’ve filled up a whole impulse control log and a half today. Each time i went along with it and self injured anyway but at least when I feel better I’ll know what triggered it and how I felt about it at the time. I was off work today, I work the next 12 days in a row so I should have relaxed and enjoyed the beatiful Florida weather. I’ve spent the entire day uptight and overwhelmed. Our house is a mess, the dogs and cats are driving me crazy, we are taking care of a stray dog until we find it a home, I need to do the dishes, my computer keeps crashing, my grandma is dying, my family is irrational and hateful, and to top the day off my tire is flat and I have no idea how I will get to work in the morning. I know all of these things are trivial when looking at the bigger picture but right now it feels like too much and I keep hurting myself. I don’t know why. Usually it’s punishment or hating my body or being scared. Lately it’s just because I feel the urge and I do it, I don’t care. I don’t care who I hurt, I don’t care if I cover my injuries for work, I don’t care if anyone sees, I don’t care about anything. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t even want to move. I want to sleep. I want to be alone and in the dark. I am on medication and it’s worked pretty well the past two years. This bout of depression it is still working but it just takes the edge off. Which is good. I hate being on anti depressants, mood stabilizers,anti psychotic pills…I feel so fake. I don’t know what me is the real me and I feel like I am living a lie. I know that’s a warped way of looking at it but that’s how I feel. The suicidal thoughts are back and I just want them to go away. I feel selfish for the thoughts, I feel selfish for hurting myself. I hate how far I’ve gotten myself into this this time. As much as I hate what I’m doing to my body I can’t seem to actually stop. I am so angry.