My grandma is dying. I dont know if she knows that or not. She has alzheimers. She is 79. I call her every day. She lives in an assisted living facility in Texas, a long ways away from me. She helped raise us for about five years. I am sad and I feel broken.
Yesterday I had my first therapy appointment. I was scared so I took an anti-anxiety med. ( I would encourage anyone on here that if fear is the only thing stopping you, fight through it.) One of the side effects is memory loss…I say THAT to say that last night my dad called me ( I had taken the med and it was in full effect) and he told me to prepare myself for my grandma’s passing.My memory is foggy. I cried a lot, which was shameful to me, but I cried anyway. I have this random bad memory of a situation I was in with my grandma and siblings and I texted my sister to ask her if she remembered to make sure I wasnt insane. She did and she then called me. We talked for a moment and then she started to get weird and asked me why I didn’t want to go to my grandmas impending funeral. I had told my dad last night that when they all drove to texas (from florida) I would probably not go because I didn’t want to see her like that. I don’t. I put a memory of her in my mind last time I saw her in person and I put it there because I knew it may be the last time I saw her. I dont want to go to a servidce. I can’t imagine it. I can’t feel that pain. I have tried and it hurts too much and maybe I am weak but it hurts too much to just feel. I will hurt myself, i will do it in form of self injury, i will do it form of substnaces, i will do anything I canto not feel and I know that is bad and I know it’s not right but I also know myself and where I am right now. I can’t feel hat. it’stoo much. I know I’m weak and that I should be able to deal with these feelings like a normal person but I can’t. I call her and I sound strong but when I hang up I burst into tears. I am sad. My family is mad at me again, not for being a lesbian but for maybe not attending my grandmas impending funeral. Maybe I wont even be alive when she dies, maybe one of them wont, who knows…I’m scared.hurt. They dont understand. I promised my girlfriend that if I felt like I injuring myself tonight I would wake her up and talk to her about it but I dont want to burden hermore than I already do 🙁 I want to, I need to, I cant think of anything else that will be as distracting :/