I really hate to be such a downer but it just feel like everything is really messed up lately. I find myself spnning more and more out of control. I wonder where this me came from. How did I get here? They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Ok. I admit I have a problem with drinking, but the thought of never having another drink terrifies me. I can’t imagine being in an uncomfortable situation and not having substances or a tool with me as comfort. I am starting to realize how abnormal these habits of mine are. I carry around first aid kits in my bags, hide first aid items in my car, in my wallet, tools just in case. I know this is bad, and I want to change. I’ve taken a few too many anti anxiety pills this evening and I’m feeling floaty, weightless, able to zone out the messy house, the exhaustion from work, the bills, the sadness, the anger. My feelings sccare me. Last night I spoke to my dad and got an update on my grandma, she isn’t doing well at all. She can’t breathe on her own right now. She raised me along with my parents and I love her so much. She has alzheimers and sometimes doesn’t remember me much but I call her every day anyway so she will feel my love and not feel alone. Anyway, when i think about that I get this gut wrntching ache inside like I am going to burst into a million pieces. I’m afraid if I cry I wont be able to stop. I’m afraid to scream. I don’t know how to let out this sadness and anger. Self injury is causing me more pain than relief lately. I don’t understand why I can’t stop hurting myself.