I’m sitting her thinking of what I have to do this week and feeling numb. I started college (well if you call a week going) this month. Things came up and the SI got even more intense than ever before that I have to DROP-OUT & go back at a different time.
I told my Psychiatrist on Friday & my Therapist today that I’m a failure and it puts another notch in my belt. All of US talked about going back into the hospital just to jump start getting the hard stuff going without re-course, I told my Therapist I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks, but every time that I do I think of how they would win and I would still be the loser in all this. I don’t know if this is a way of looking at not going, but I know for sure that if I’m there I would be abandon and forgotten and when getting out they would say they can’t work with me anymore. I’ve gone through this at least 14 times in the past and in my life the past always repeated itself. I have been really out of control, I know I have to stop, but How do you stop doing something that you really feel is not wrong to do? How do you tell people that it should matter what they say as long as they are not getting hurt. HOW?
I guess what it all comes down to is that once a failure always a failure.