I am so dissapointed in myself. On a scale of 1-10…10 being absolutely hating myself because of my mistakes…I’m at a 15. I am too old for this, I know too much about this, too many faacts, statistics, stories, reasons, to still be doing this. I never understood when I’ve read that self-injury becomes something you have to do more intensly over time to get the same effect. likr how you build up a tolerance to alcohol. I never understood that until now…I did it but I didn’t care enough to stop until I did it enough to cause myself fear of myself. I panicked. I freak myself out,seriously. I think I’m totally fine. I keep calling the number to cancel the first appointment with the therapist but I hang up everytime because I don’t know what to say. I think I’m fine and then I do something like this. I feel in control at the moment, when i make the choice…and ultimitely it IS a choice no matter how uncontrollable the urge is, but I’m not in control. It’s a false illusion of control because as soon as I realized I had gone too far it clicked that I’m out of control, I don’t know what to do, should I call 911, should I call my girlfriend, should I tell someone or should I wait it out? I keep wanting to cancel that appointment because I’m terrified of the awkwardness, and what it if doesn’t work out,what if I cry, what if she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about…but I think in my heart I know I should go ahead with it. I mean, yea it may be uncomfortable for an hour every other week but I don’t want to be drunk and alone and scared that i’ve injured myself too much in 10 years. 10 years ago I would have never imagined the adult me still engaging in this behavior. I’m obviously not judging anyong else that is, I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal that it would still be affecting my adult life. I have ti stop the mind altering substances and I have to learn to cope in helthy ways…it’s just getting there that is the problem.