I finally found and made an appointment with a therapist today. I’m super nervous and I hope I don’t back out. My biggest fear with the whole therapy thing is I will walk in, sit down, and tell her the issues I need help with and she will tell me to shut up,stop whining,get out,stop wasting my time and let me help people with real problems, people who were abused,raped, have seen trauma…you know, big stuff like that. The rational part of me tells me this will not happen and I wont be rejected or feel stupid and she wont freak out at my sensitivety and my crazy self harm thoughts and never want me to come back. That’s rational, I think. Problem is, half of the time I honest to God don’t know what’s normal thinking or not. If someone doesn’t respond to a text right away I automatically think they hate me or wonder what I did wrong, did I say something wrong last time we spoke, did I offend them? It’s funny though because there is this other part of me that is so honest and strong and can be vulnerable without the fear of someone going away. I go back and forth. Sometimes I’m not sure which me is ME. The positive, hippie, optimistic, in control me that can say no to the urge to hurt herself when it arises OR the absolutely paranoid, scared, anxiety ridden, small, out of control, injuring anytime I feel the urge me. Obviously I prefer the first one but lately i havent been able to get back to that me. In fact, I don’t even SEE her! If it werent for my journal I might not even believe I could be that in control and strong.