I didn’t become an S.I. until a few weeks ago. I was deeply depressed from the things going on. I’m in love with a great guy, who makes me feel out of this world. …When it seems too good to be true…theres usually something wrong. My family doesn’t believe in interracial relationships. Thats where my S.I. started. I want to tell my mom…but I’m too scared to tell her of the two topics. She doesn’t know that the guy I love isn’t my color, and she doesn’t know that I injure myself. I knew I couldn’t live without him when I broke up with him the last time… Things got really bad. I was locking myself in the bathroom for hours. I didn’t want to be near people. I had panic attacks when I was around too many people at once. I seeked for help from my mom…but she dismissed it as me being home sick. I couldn’t tell her, but I want to so much because I want help.
When I broke up with him, I was say angry and sad. Angry that I hurt him once again for the most stupidest reason, family. Sad because I felt like I had turned away the one person I actually wanted, and I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t stay in the same room without falling apart. I couldn’t breathe, and I shook all the time. In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong. That its not right to just hurt myself…but there was no one to talk to. I was lonely. I’m still lonely.
My family, my grandparents, expect me to be this perfect person, which I’m not. They would nag me for taking music courses for a major. They would get onto me for not going to bed early or not working enough or always talking about music. They would tell me to take basics, but this semester I didn’t have enough money for the books, so I took some of my major courses. I just want some help. I don’t want to hurt myself or the people around me, and I don’t want to hurt either. Its as if that numbness takes over and I can’t handle it. It makes me feel like me again instead of that numb skull I am without it. My boyfriend is there to talk to, but I know he doesn’t like hearing or seeing the marks. It holds me each time and tries helping. I want my mom’s help. I just feel like she could help me, or at least help me find help.