It’s time to pull out my Bodily Harm book and make copies of my impulse control logs. It’s like it comes in waves, the urge to hurt myself. Whether it be through self injury or alcohol.Since the start of the year I’ve just fallen further and further down the hill of self destruction. I got upset over issues with my family and being gay and this time I wasn’t strong enough to keep myself above water. My mom said that I’m weak because it took me so long to come out…I KNOW it’s not true but I guess because she is my mom a part of me believes it. Maybe I AM weak, I think to myself, maybe the voices inside of my head telling me “you’re disgusting,you’re weak, don’t eat that, you’re nothing.” are right. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this one. I have been self-injuring and I’ve been slacking with going to the gym. I haven’t gained weight, but I havent lost weight either. I know I shouldn’t define myself by what I look like, but I do. I’ve had eating disorder issues before when I was a teenager but I always seemed to be able to get myself out of it just in time. I just feel unstable. I want to make an appt. with my psychiatrist but it cost $55 with insurance and he will just change my medication and mess with the dosage and I don’t want that. I looked at community mental health things in the area and only found one and it said it specialized in children who has been abused. I have given up on finding a therapist. I can’t afford it. I can only afford my psychiatrist because he has agreed to let me only see him every 6 months and I can call him if I feel absolutely insane. I feel stuck. I keep turning to SI and alcohol and I know it’s not ok, and I know alcohol is a depressant and it’s just making me worse and I feel SO guilty for feeling sad