I’m a SAFE Intensive alumni. I “graduated” from the SAFE program at Linden Oaks when I was 15. To be honest, I was not totally SI-free until my senior year of high school. I have also struggled with eating disorders for most of my life. I think that I was able to put aside my SI when the eating disorders truly took over my life. Well, now that I had the eating disorders somewhat under control, I found myself wanting to go back to SI. I’m 23, single mother and full time student. I’ve never felt like I could burden other people with my emotions, so I’ve always been a girl that bottles things up. I’m finally at a boiling point. After 5 years of being SI-free, I’ve relapsed. I’ve fully gone back to the out of control behavior from my teenage years. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this. I know the skills. I have the impulse log memorized, for goodness sake. So, why is this happening? Why am I so out of control? I’m failing everybody. I promised myself that I would never do this again. Why is it this easy? I feel so much guilt, but I can’t stop. I had finally gotten my life back together. My son deserves a better mother. I cringe to think how I’ll have to explain this to him when he’s older. Has anybody else been where I’m at now? Have you gone years without SI-ing only to relapse and go back to the beginning? I don’t know what to do or how to stop doing this. I’m so disgusted with myself!
Hi and welcome to the blog,
I think probably the main issue I see is this sentance:
“I’ve never felt like I could burden other people with my emotions, so I’ve always been a girl that bottles things up.”
I think this would be what most people who self injure can say. It sounds like you have tons going on and need some support! Everyone needs support, and especially a single Mom and full time student. That’s a lot to carry by yourself. So I guess my question would be – who are you talking to? Who can you open up with? Have you considered going to a therapist?
Relapse happens, and I’ve heard of many people going through times like this. The important thing is how you handle the relapse – because it’s a sign that something needs to change. I hope you’ll reach out for some face-to-face support. How great that you came here to talk about this!! Keep going in the right direction.
Take care, Pam
(Clinical Therapist)
I know how you feel. When my parents found out about my si I stopped for a little over two years with no si. I was about 16. I started when I was 19 and I’m 22 now, lately its like I never stopped. And that sentence the moderator commented on? Yea, same here. Your not alone at all!
I, too, have been through SAFE and left, totally SI clean for a long period of time and relapsed. I completely agree with Pam that it must be sooo hard if you are bottling things up inside. I also noticed how you wrote that you were disgusted with yourself and it made me sad for you. I think no matter how much you know your logs and your relapse prevention stuff, if you’re still sitting in self-loathing and negative self esteem it may be hard to NOT want to self injure again. When I came back to SAFE a second time after being SI free for 3 years, the staff encouraged me to stay postive about my accomplishment of being clean for so long. They also encouraged me to draw on the things that helped me to stay SI free for so long. I wish you healing and I wish you well. You are not alone. Draw on your strengths because I can tell how strong you are. Be well and I wish you the best!
Thanks, all. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I am currently uninsured, so therapy is out of the question. I feel like I’ve pushed all of my friends away…hiding doesn’t exactly foster great relationships with other people. I have little to no relationship with my mother and my father lives out of state, so there’s little support there. To be honest, I haven’t actually told anyone that I’ve relapsed. I’m terrified that this is going to push my mother over the edge and that she’ll hate me for it. My father has a lot on his plate, so the last thing that I want to do is give him this news. I’m so afraid of disappointing the people in my life. I think that’s why I came here-to the SAFE website and this blog. It helps to write all of this out and to get feedback from people who understand. Again, thank you so much for your time and support.
Does your town/city have psychotherapists employed by the municipality? The town I used to live in had some and they used a sliding scale fee. I payed $25 per session. Some towns they are for all ages; in this one they were technically only for adolescents and their parents but they made an exception for me (I was 26) (also, long story!).
Anyway, they were listed on the town’s website.
Wishing you all the best!
I fell back into SI’ing after a long period without actual harm to myself-and right now things with me feel out of control. A few things I am starting to realize is that even though I stopped hurting myself i never dealt with the reasons I was doing it in the first place.
I agree with the others that the botteling up feelings is what often begins the whole thing.
At some point things have to come out and without words we have turned to something else to release.
I too am a mom and that just adds a whole new level to this process-it also means that if you look around there might (hopefully) be services available for you.
Look into a counseling center at your school or call the county to see what services are provided for single parents.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
it seems like all the sudden there are all these other moms on this blog. i usually think i’m the only one.
like I just posted to someone else, yep, I have been in exactly your situation and I love that Pam said it’s a sign that something needs to change because that is so much what my relapse was that I’m almost grateful that it happened. like-if that was the only way I could speak up, then so be it, i’ve learned new skills now and at least i affected change.
and the stuff about support…. I really don’t get it because the feeling of support is new but geeze, I feel it. Children are so, well, young, they need so much. I find it very hard to raise my kid.
And I too have no money. My big discovery is that hospitals often have severely sliding scales through their charity program. I get a 95% discount on all my services at the outpatient clinic (without ever having been inpatient). I end up paying about $7/visit and the therapists are wonderful.
Good luck.