What’s going on with me right now is that my heart is beating so hard that it’s keeping me awake. I try bringing my attention to my breath and some of the body tension dies down but the second I notice myself relaxing I freeze up again. I’m facing a difficult court date in two days. I’ve found new ways of being “bad”—though the si urge is loud and clear—I’ve only acted out through substances and I’ve gone off my medication twice this month—just got back on today. I think it’s just another way to do something bad to myself. But now my body is messed up. I didn’t sleep much last night. My eyes look red and swollen and they feel that way too and my b-pressure seems to be all messed up—lots of dizziness and light-headedness and sometimes like my heart just suddenly beating really hard. I think I’ve done a number on my biology by mixing substances and hurting myself that way. I want it out of my system and I want the medication in my system. I want to go back to yoga. I want to think about caring for myself in the same calculating way I’d think about caring for a child. But somewhere I’m just at war with myself and it feels so sad. I can see that it’s pretty amazing that I would see that sadness. Once upon a time I could only see my own drive to destroy myself. Now I see: sad. Much healthier, but, in a way, more vulnerable. My thoughts keep veering to some stupid little benign misstep I might do and then I just feel like I have punish myself. But I try and remember: feelings, thoughts, behavior—there’s all separate. A thought isn’t going to hurt me. I run that “correct” thought like a program because I don’t yet really believe it. I need my brain washed. It certainly seems like feelings hurt me. All I know to do is look toward therapy, which is looking toward a sense of safety. It’s probably a positive turn for me to be posting right now. It’s good for me to admit all this. I hide my “bad” behavior so just to admit to it, even anonymously, acts as a deterrent. I want some levity. I don’t want to be so serious all the time. I’ve buried my head in work these last few days, which seems like a safe enough place to store myself away….but it’s not. I want to be effective… or, I don’t know. Working is safe. Obsessing is probably not great and working under the influence is just not very smart. The impulse to store myself away isn’t so good for me—or, rather, the behavior, if I follow the impulse, is not so good for me. I feel like I’m trying to talk myself into: go to yoga, eat real food regularly, sleeping would be lovely. I want to talk myself into sleeping but that’s not the way sleep works.
These next few days may just be difficult. Going to court last time really did a number on me so I have reason to feel apprehensive. I keep remembering a day with my therapist from months ago where I saw some other psychiatrist because I’d just been through a big trauma and needed to see one and then I couldn’t talk and everything started getting away from me and my therapist came in….. that incident keeps popping out in my mind and what can happen when I can’t cope. And I’m scared of being too stressed by court. Getting to an overwhelmed and non-verbal spot makes a trauma impression of it’s own each time it happens. I don’t want anyone to hurt me and I’m going to court to try and make my situation safer. I don’t want to get hurt by the experience.