Hi fellow bloggers. Substances make me honest so here I am again. My dad called me today. I told him I have 3 days off of work and that I wanted to come to Daytona Beach to see them(I live a few hours away). He said I need to make up with my mom first. The thing is, I didn’t DO anything. I swear. if I had, I would admit it. He said “is being right worth your relationshp with your mother and your family?” and I said no, it’s now, but it isnt about being right, it’s about everyone pretending like everything is ok. I’m sick of the lies and the family acting so fake. fake fake fake.lies.lies.lies.god.god.god. Jesus never said anything about homosexuality in the new testament. If it were THAT important why wouldn’t Christ himself mention it? He said that they wont ever approve of my lifestyle choice. Who chooses to be gay??? Why on earth would anyone CHOOSE to be gay? No one wants to be the outcast, to have limited civil rights, to be different, to be looked down upon. I TRIED to be straight, I tried to do everyone they wanted me to do, i tried it, I tried hard and it just isn’t right for me. I’m NOT, I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I TRIED. It was eating me alive. No one, no one…chooses to be gay. I think I have a fantasy idea of what a mom should be. In my head, and my heart apparently, I think a mom should be loving and comforting and comfortable and that you should be able to talk to them…tell them you are scared, tell them you are hurting yourself, tell them you are confused and don’t know why you dont like boys, tell them things that that that make you happy, tell them ANYTHING. And then in my imagination my mom would hold me while I cry and she would tell me it’s ok to feel the things I feel and it’s ok to be scared and confused and it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok. I wish she had just BEEN there,been present ya know? She was asleep, taking muscle relaxers and meds and teying to not feel her own pain. Am I turning in to her? I drink too much and I take meds that are prescribed to me but I used it not only to relieve the panic attacks but to not feel, I use self injury as a way to release the feelings when I do feel them…I don’t want to be her. I started working out and trying to get sober and trying to stop hurting myself with that in mind. So as not to be like her. I don’t know, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do. I can’t pretend like everything is ok between us just for the sake of there being no drama in the family. I want honesty ya know? I just wish they would be REAL. I wish I felt real right now. I wish I weren’t gay. I wish my mom had held me when I was scared. I wish I wasn’t SO sensitive. I wish I didn’t feel anything, I wish I felt something.