It has been a while since I have posted…about the same time I stopped SIing. This past few months have been difficult with some great moments thrown in there. The move I made last spring was not one of the better choices I have made. I moved 1200 miles for a job that turned out to be exactly what I don’t want. It is so hard to get up in the morning to go to a job I really dislike. I used to think this made me a failure, like I couldn’t hack it out and take on this challenge, but I realized there is a difference between failing and knowing what is best for your life. This job, and this new location I moved to is not what is best for me. I have been very depressed since I have been here (and the cold, dark winter doesn’t help). My husband made the move with me and has been so supportive, but he is not happy either. I feel like that is my fault. I asked him to come up here with me, for him to leave a really good job to embark on this life change with me, and now, not only does he have to deal with my depression, but he is also depressed as well since leaving his family, job, etc.
I am amazed that through this I have not SIed hardly any. Part of it is because I got married in October. I didn’t want to SI around that time. It was hard enough finding a suitable dress that covered all my existing scars, much less having to deal with new injuries. But I think the bigger part is I know it will not help anything. It won’t make my job any easier, it won’t make the people I work with any friendlier, it won’t make the snowy days disappear. Sometimes when I feel particularly bad about something I want to SI, but I feel as I have grown out of it and I know it won’t help. I need to make things better the right way, no matter how scary.
I used to always think with my head and do things that were practical and that I thought were the “right” things to do. Now I am doing more of what my heart says – even if that means the decisions I make may not be the most practical. For a long time I was always doing what someone else wanted. I was always enduring abuse, difficult situations, etc… because that is all I knew how to do, or could do given that I was young and didn’t feel I had a voice. I no longer have to stay in places that I dislike or endure situations that make me miserable. I will always try things to better myself, like making a career change, but if I find, after months of trying, that it is not for me, it is time to move on and do what will make me happy.
I had a really strong urge to SI today. It was the first strong urge in a while that I have actually wanted to act on. But it’s empowering to know I don’t have to SI to feel better. There are other choices and actions I can take to better my life, and I am finding SI is not one of those actions. In keeping with this new found perspective, my husband and have made the decision to move back “home” and begin our new lives in a place we want to be, where friends and family are close, and where we can find jobs that make us happy and fulfilled. It will take a couple of months to wrap everything up here and deal with the judgment I am sure will be placed on me by my current boss and co-workers, but they don’t know me. They can judge away, but I know this is the best decision for me.
So here is to a late Happy New Year, positive new beginnings, and maybe – just maybe after 15 years of SIing, i will finally have a complete year SI free.