See how I am hurting.
Breathe in my exhaustion, and feel my fear.
I sleep with the enemy of hope.
Hear me. Stop me.
I found this. I remember writing it. I remember it being a bad night. I remember it being a night like this one. On this night, I want to write what I would say to my Dad when telling him about my SI.
I love you. I don’t know where to start. You are an amazing and loving father who adores me. I feel it every time you look at me. I know you are proud. I know you care.
I want you to know I am sorry. I am sorry for every time I lied to you, every time I said “I’m fine.” I am so sorry for never showing my pain. I should have told you when I hurt. I should have fought the urge to protect the image you had of me. I should have allowed myself to be a real teenager. I should have let you see me cry.
Dad, I know you feel guilty about allowing yourself to be blinded. I’m sorry for aiding it. I should have told you how life was affecting me. You didn’t do anything wrong. I cannot remember a time when I let myself feel anger or be honest of my frustration.
Dad, I’m not perfect. I have hated myself since before I can remember. I have been hiding it for so many years so well, you couldn’t have known. In your eyes, I am a successful confident young woman with her priorities straight, who makes you proud without your having to do anything. I don’t know that person.
I know a person who constantly surprises herself. She manages to muster up a good face everyday through the encouragement of the amazing people around her, but I do not know the girl you raised.
There are moments when I feel like a piece of machinary working through the motions. I am not in my day. I am not motivated to be the person I am becoming. The person I have dreamed up, but somehow I am her.
Dad, I hurt myself on purpose. I cannot find a way to be real, so I make myself feel real. I think when I am ready and not afraid, I will send this letter to you. Until then, I will go through the motions and hope I find a way to feel. I am trying to stop Dad. I will make you proud.