Yesterday i was getting toward the end of my session with my psychiatrist when she “If I wouldn’t if she let her next patient in.” What in the world was I going to do say “NO” GOD forbid, I would have to bite my tongue before doing that. She had him come in to prove 2 points to me: 1. That I’m not alone with the pain I’m feeling (She made it clear that he has the same diagnosis as me) & 2. That whatever she says to me isn’t a lie and if I heard him correctly she hasn’t lie to him in the 15-20 years she’s been treating him. I still can’t believe she did it, what was she actually thinking inside of her head that I would automatically see the light as she wants me to or is there something wrong with her and how she screws with peoples heads. While sitting there I didn’t exactly here him say that I’m not imagining things when I say that ever since I was a kid I’ve always thought and still do up to today think LOVE & Pain are one and the same. She was very eager to know how the whole abuse started out so of course I started with #1 in line my father. I described every detail as she wrote it down (I swear I thought she was enjoying it) never saying a word or giving out any facial emotions what-so-ever, so of course that is why I came up with that conclusion. She also pointed out that the journals I write and give her lifting everyone up to the heavens justifies me putting myself down in every which way a person can. How would she know about putting yourself down, for that matter how would anyone I know about that subject their at the top of their game and have far more than I ever will and beside they never go without like I have in the past and I do now. I’m the one always getting laugh at because of where and how I live. I really don’t celebrate anything not even my birthday so nothing matters to me anymore and no one gets it. And something even funnier (well not) with all this going on the si just keeps getting worse because of the fact I feel loving or even caring about myself means pain. So as they say I’m damaged goods and it way too late to be fixed.