I am FREAKED OUT about my therapist being away. I have shame about the panic too but right now the primary panic is louder than the shame. I never like it when he goes away and I’ve been with him now for nearly two years but I’ve never experienced it quite like this before. My first thought was that maybe it’s because there are a lot of changes in my life right now but it’s also occurring to me that I’ve never experienced my emotions the way I am experiencing them right now. It’s humiliating to admit this but I was imagining him earlier like a scarf, wrapped around me, keeping me warm. I am using him to meet my unmet need for safety. I can see that. I’m trying to go through the dbt skills to figure out what will work for this—the emotional regulation skill about fear is to do the thing you’re afraid of again and again- I can’t see a way to apply that. Radical acceptance, yeah, sure, whatever. I think about that I just feel like screaming that it won’t bring him back. So there’s turning the mind toward acceptance but I really don’t want to accept this. I’m approaching it willfully and approaching it willingly is what I need. There’s distress tolerance too, I do plenty of that. I think it would be easier if I knew where he was but I won’t step over a boundary and ask. It’s all taking me by surprise that I’m having such a strong reaction. I can just watch it, I can talk about it instead of being ashamed and trying to hide it. I don’t call very often and he returns calls quickly regardless of what day of the week it is but I even prefer him to be in his office then for it to be in the weekend. It’s very difficult for me not to judge myself about that. I seem to myself like a controlling, clingy, needy monster. Maybe I’ll feel better reminding myself that he’s coming back, instead of focusing on his being away. Half-smile works a bit.
I think it’s great that you are writing about your feelings. And as a therapist, I want to say there’s nothing to be ashamed of with your feelings of missing him. It’s a very positive sign that you feel so safe having him around, and it sounds like you are just trying to figure it all out. Looking at what your strong feelings mean is great! It will be a good thing to talk about with him when he returns – even if that feels funny. It’s important. Being attached to a therapist is a good sign – it shows you are able to trust him. That being said though, it makes it all the harder on you when he is gone. I’m sorry that it’s causing you pain. Please know that the thoughts and feelings you have about it all are valid. Write it out, write him a letter and either choose to share it or not.
I don’t know you or him, but it sounds to me like you’re on the right path with therapy. Even though this time is painful, it’s great that you’re handling the stress of this by reaching out for more support.
Hang in there…..and keep up the good, and difficult, work.
Pam L. (one of the blog moderators, and Clinical Therapist with S.A.F.E.)
Thank you so much for responding. I will write to him. I’ll remember that can write to him every day several times a day if I want to, if it helps soothe me. I feel abandoned and I’m not used to that feeling and it’s extra difficult because I can see that it’s not rational– my impulse is to stop there and beat at myself for not being rational, but I know emotions are ok. there are no bad emotions. and the feeling is strong enough that there must be a lot of information there– I can respect and honor the feeling. the impulse– a sort of vertigo before a cliff feeling is to just let myself totally tumble. it’s guess it’s ok to admit that I would so love to injure right about now, to relieve some strain– when I look at the reasons behind that there’s more shame– particularly in the way injuring might really be a helpless crying out, and it….. now people who have been abusive to me have come into the house. I can breathe. I can choose. choose any action. i can choose to write a letter. thanks again.
First i just want to say you seem like you have it all together and like theripy is working i struggle with SI and have no idea how to make it through. the story you wrote made it seem like theripy can help and you have inspired me to ask my mom to go to theripy for my problem and i even have told her so thank you so much you truly saved my life!!! THANK YOU!