I’m not sure how to put my thoughts into words that make sense. But I’ll try…

I started injuring almost 3 years ago. I’ll go through phases where I’ll injure a lot and then I won’t have urges for months. I’ve been fighting urges for a few weeks now…. after not having a single urge for 2 months. Not one urge. The month of December is really hard for me. My family doesn’t get along and during December its the worst. I haven’t been able to sleep because I have been stressed and I will wake up feeling rushed and shaking. I never pictured myself feeling like this. I look at my scars every day and can’t imagine myself going back there again. But at the same time it seems like the only safe place I know. I can’t reason with myself enough to do it… But I can’t reason with myself enough not to do it. It’s been on my mind a lot… It’s all I want right now. But there HAS to be another way to deal with this. It may be a stupid relief… But it’s a relief.