While I don’t consider myself fully recovered, I consider myself in recovery and safe. One of the tools I use is a subsciption to a daily meditation/inspiration that is e-mailed to me in the morning. While these tidbits of wisdom and reminders of quality living welcome me every morning in my inbox, I don’t read them every day. Some days I’m depressed and choose to block out inspiration and positivity. Some days I’m wound up and my eyes and mind move faster than I can actually read so I simply don’t open the e-mail. Those are my choices.
Today I made the choice to read the meditation and am glad I did. Today’s topic was our avoidance of pain and what we miss in life when we avoid pain. I wonder today, as a recovering self injurer, was I simply avoiding the pains of life by creating my own physical pains and wounds? Was I attempting to control the pains of life, the pain of living with a controlling and mianipulating husband, the pain of the reality that my loving parents were emotionally unavaliable most of my life and loved me only conditionally, the pain of the memories of the sexual and emotional abuse I endured at the hands of my best friend and college roommate, the pain of not being recognized for my real beauty and talents, by making real, visible pain of significant injuries? What did I miss in the last 16 years of avoidance and struggle?
I missed caring, genuine and loving relationships. The relationships I created while I was injuring myself usually lasted a short time like friends in hospitals who either moved home themselves, relapsed and one even died. I made friends at work that I abandoned from guilt and shame. Then I had paid “friends,” aka therapists, doctors and such who aren’t really friends but I craved being around because I believed they were the only people who cared about me.
Today I have great, life long friends, the best one being myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or fight with myself still, like the best of friends in life do, too. I just don’t have that deep, strong current of self-hatred that I had years ago. The pain of self hatred and loathing was probably the worst pain I tried to avoid. Today I know I wasn’t born hating myself. I learned to hate myself. I can choose not to hate myself and when I do, life looks better. I don’t have to make more pain to avoid the emotional pains.
As my meditation this morning besically said, life will never be completely be without pain. It’s what we choose to do with those pains, avoid them, create more or learn from them that defines us and our lives.
I hope people coming to this sit to find comfort and advise can read this and find some hope. You don’t need to hurt any more. I am living proof that recovery is possible and my life is proof of my success. I wish you all healing and peace.