so i know this is weird sorry…

so in my calculus class we are learning about areas under a curve…and for anyone who knows what i am talking about you will kinda understand this a lot more…its hard to explain without being triggering, but my professor kept saying the “c” word and it just made me want to do it!!!!!!!! it was ridiculous! i mean its just a word…3 letters…but hearing it and the way she kept saying it kinda it was hard to resist and i was just like ahhhhhh i want to sooo bad…

im sorry its really weird but i just hear her say it and i think to myself why did i stop why? what was the point? what have i accomplished by stopping? so far nothing…i dont feel like that will change any time soon either… to me…i have strayed off the path…i cant find my way back…im completely lost in the wilderness of injury and basically no longer know how to survive without it…counseling hasnt helped and im under so much stress and pressure…im just…lost…