I always end up messing up my life some how. I was doing so well in school this semester. These last two weeks have been so hard for me to go to school its driving me crazy. I dont want to go and i end up missing important stuff before my finals. I skipped both of my classes today. One i know i didnt miss much, but i had a speech to do tonight, but i lied to my professor, again, and got to reschedual it without missing points due to illness. I was ready. i could have been presenting the speech in 8 mins. But idk why i got scared, not scared, restless, carless. I just did NOT want to go to this class. So i made up a stupid lie and was able to get out of it. My teacher probably read right through it but hes such a nice guy that hes going to accomodate my “illness” I faked. Like i dont know why. I had solid B’s in all my classes. I was doing really well, and when I saw that my grades were doing ok, I started skipping class. the three classes I have online are totally fine since I dont have to put physical time into it, i can do those classes anywhere, but the ones i have to sit it make me nervous. I cant stay still that long! Maybe i have something wrong with me. And then I sit in class and i cant pay attention so i start seeing my scars and that makes me think of Si which leads me ot think is hould SI and that would make me nummb for a while, give me something else to think about as the time just ticks away with out anything absorbed. YET i was doing fine! Now im a week away from my finals and im being stupid. I know im being dumb, i know i should be in class right now, but im not. Im sitting in a coffee shop killing time until my dad gets out. Like, i couldve been in class right now, doing my speech and getting it over with. i wish i knew what was wrong or why i did this. i spent the whole day at home with my nephew and was totally relaxed, no thoughts of si nothing. but now im sitting here thinking about how i need to be punished for being so stupid. for skipping a class i had no reason to skip. for lying!

I dont know why i lie so much. I have no reason to lie. there is nothiing i need to really hide from anyone, except si, but i still lie all the time! i dont get it. over stupid things. my mom will ask me who im with, ill say another friend instead of theone im hanging out with, when i dont need to lie, they like my friends enough for me to go out and plus i dont do anything bad, i dont drink or do drugs so they know im not easily impressionable so really it doesnt matter who im with, but idk why it just comes out. Or theyll ask me what i did all day at work, ill say homework, when in reality i was playing games all day. I dont lie about anything important, but i really need to stop.
idk sorry im just going on and on i just needed to tell someone.