Last night was suppose to be good, but at random times, I can see random ways to hurt myself. I ended up injuring myself. I feel worthless, and stuck in a whole, I cant get out of, and I feel like Im digging it deeper. Its so so hard to keep going back and fourth, to happy, and TERRIBLEE!!!! But its mostly always bad. Thanksgiving was bad, when my grandma up north gets to see me once a year, wanted to hang out with her husband, and not me, for just a few hours, when he couldve just stayed home for a little bit.
I gained weight over Thanksgiving, so I decided I was going to make myself lose weight. Im trying to change, but Im making everything worse. I so wish I could go back in time, and change what Ive become. Starting with never starting to SI, I wish I never di. I wish I never even thought of hurting myself, or idk, everyhting. Like telling my parents that I want them to notice, me not just my sisters, and have them believe in me. Do what they want me to do, and not follow my dreams, maybe they would love me. Would they? Bcuz Im not good enuf for anyone. Am I? NOOOO!!!!! So relapse is awful, and I wish I could stop myself.
I don’t know how to explain to God why I do all this, bcuz I feel like he is asking me everytime ” BRE WHY DO YOU DO THIS??? WHY???? IM HERE DONT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!! PLEASE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!! Maybe he does and I actually believe it but I dont know what to say.God you know what Im sorry, but I can’t stop, its to hard, its controling me, Ive been doing it to long, its addicting, and I CANT STOP! And no one loves me, but you! Help me please. I know I have to help myself too, but I dont know How??? IM SORRY!