Hi,
It’s Thanksgiving and I’m at my parents house alone. They went to my aunt’s for thanksgiving, leaving me alone on this dark and cold night.
I am like no one else here. I self injured obviously.
I know by now that self injury is bad. I’ve only caused problems. I’ve injured myself and I’ve disfigured myself.
I stopped self injury 1 year ago today.
And yet…on this 1 year anniversary, I feel more hopeless than I did a year ago.
A year ago, there was the hope of healing. That steroid injections would stop my pain. That the laser treatments would ease the scars.
Yet here I sit, 1 year later, still suffering the same problems, still getting the same treatments.
I’ve disfigured myself.
I’m a male, and I need to wear cosmetic cover up to hide my self injury.
I have no insurance, so I have to take what I can get. Charity care from a local hospital that allows me to see a psychiatrist once a week. But she does not understand self injury.
I feel so trapped. My parents, whom I’ve had to move in with because my depression is severe, refuse to even discuss my self injury, or the medical treatments I am doing to try to heal. They won’t go with me to the doctor.
I have no friends. My over whelming depression has scared off the few good friends I have, to the point that I am now friendless. Trapped in an unfeeling, cold house, where my parents care so little about me that they left me here to go to their relatives for Thanksgiving.
I’m having such a hard time tonight.
i get it completley… if you read my previous post youll know i self ingure as well and im suffering depression as well. also, i didnt know today was thanks giving untill 10:30 a.m. and my parents didnt make any plans… intresting huh? but you arent alone.
I’m so sad to read this and I so know the feeling of profound depression and hopelessness you are describing. I, too, have disfigured myself with my self injury. I choose to not cover up and have not had any type of cosmetic surgery – I decided a few years ago that my scars told my story and showed my strength. We all make choices about how we choose to deal with our injuries and I respect yours.
What concerned me was how sad this post seemed and what I or anybody could say to help. On one hand, sometimes I think people just want to “get it out there” and have an audience. On the other hand, if nobody responds, I think it feeds the lonliness.
You may not find comfort in it, but I am truly amazed that in light of such an oppressive and unloving situation, you have remained injury-free for a year. In a lonely and dark house, I hope you found time to give thanks for that because that is success. I can’t say the same for myself and I don’t think my situation is half as bad. Almost 10 years ago, I almost died in a major suicide attempt. Today I say that my success is that I am alive. It may be hard to see your successes that way, for living life and living an injury-free life because life is so bleak right now, but think of how you may think of it 10 years from now.
I hope you are doing well. And I hope what I wrote made some sense to you. You are special. You are loved.