Young, hip, so beautiful? I hate that the world thinks that what you have to be to be anyhting, to anyone. Because then it becomes war with yourself. Ive been in a war with myself about that stuff forever. Obviously yes I am young Im 15, I wear brand name clothes when I can, bcuz I want to fit in, and beautful, I dont think I am but evrytone tells me I am. So I dont know, But Im more of a super loser. When I use to go to public school , and it got out that I SI, and I had an eating disorder, my life got crazzyy. at school I was a “freak” Now that Im homeschooled thats a lot easier, but its still hard to look at myself in the mirror, and say “you know what they are right, you are a freak” I use to tell myself that everyday, I still sometimes do. Then I have this huge front. Church I think on e of my faveorite places in the world. Everyone treats me like a real person. Well that was untill I went to the hospital, and everyone at church found out. then I got all the judging looks.Its kinda back to normal now but its still akward. Im no supermodel. Everyone in my family, are all little skinny beautiful perfect porcelian dolls, its SICK! They look fine, and stuff, but it just makes me sick that they want me to be PERFECT!!!!!! NO ONE IS PERFECT! And they dont understand, that I cant be, I SI bcuzzz I need control, release, I cant do anything, without being told it was wrong, I hold my fork wrong, or I dont sit right, I dont have nice clothes, or I have ugly colors on, and its all junk I hate it. I have a therapist, and she tells me if I dont stop, she’ll send me somewhere I can get more “INTENSIVE” treatment, she makes me sound crazyyyy. Im not going to die, I knew what I was getting myself into when I starrted, well actually I didnt. I never even really heard of SI before I started doing it, I just did it. but…. I dont know, i feel like I cant stop, its to hard. and Im a SUPER LOSER! Nevr good enuf. NEVER!
You are not a loser and you are good enough. Sometimes we perceive things people say or do to mean we are not perfect. But I believe they are not perfect that is why they pick on others about being the way they wish they were. No one in this whole world is perfect this would be impossible. I only wish you and my daughter would look in the mirror and see a beautiful, perfectly perfect for you looking back at you. Please try to talk or write about these feelings when you have an urge to SI. I wish I had a magic wand to point at you and my daughter and take all the pain from you both and give it on to me, but since this is impossible I can only be here to listen. May today be an SI free day and tomorrow another.
How about SuperYoungWoman? (or man)
You are enlightened and probably smarter than you give yourself credit for.
YES….you do not have to be what anybody tells you to be except yourself.
YES….you do not have to fit society’s standard of a perfect body or person because it makes us all crazy and at war with ourselves.
YES….nobody is perfect.
You’ve got some basic ideas that I wish I believed years before I started injuring and engaging in dangerous eating disorder behaviors.
Where I disagree with you is that: yes, you can stop injuring and yes, you may die. While I know that self injury itself is not a suicide attempt, it can lead to other dangerous behaviors that can and will kill you. For example, I knew a 17 year old young woman that I attended an intensive hospital treatment program with who died of a drug overdose in the months after the program. Or you can let self injury cycle out of control until you do eventually attempt suicide. Or, as I know too well, there are health risks of an eating disorder including heart rate and beat pattern disturbances and electrolyte imbalances that cause heart attacks, brittle bones, bad teeth, risks of stroke and seizures that can kill you. You may think you have it under control but it is controlling you. And it will kill you if you don’t stop.
You CAN stop. I think you’re brilliant, amazing, beautiful inside and out and strong. Choose to live life. Self injury and eating disorders are no way to live life. I know this from about 13+ years of experience doing both. I don’t mean to scare you but to give you the facts. And Mary Ann makes a good point. One day without injuring can turn to two can turn to three and so on. If days don’t work for you, count hours and minutes. That’s what I did for a while. Get a pen and journal and write down your feelings if there’s nobody you can talk to. If you like to draw, draw. Do something with your hands like knitting, make jewelry or do a puzzle.
I have faith in you and since you like going to church, I think you have faith in God. God has faith in you, too. I wish you healing and a stop to the war inside of you, a stop to the violence to yourself and within.
With love, janelle