Ok so i feel like just giving a brief overview of my problems (which ik most ppl dnt care about)….so anyway, first things first, i’m 13 yrs old and my mom and dad hav gotton remarried. So, last year i started self harm. It’s been goin downhill from there. Since my dad and step-mom adopted my sis ive been havin problems visiting him. I havent seen him in MONTHS. Idk how i feel about tht…im kinda in a blur on wat to do. Hes nvr ganna let me get wat i wnt, which is for him to devorce his new wife and move closer to my moms house, and im ok with tht but sometimes i just wish tht it would happen. Ive nvr rlly had a great relationship with my dad. Work has always gotten in the way. I could remember gettin my hopes up when i herd he was comin down for the day. Id sit there..waiting..nothing..he doesnt come. All i can remember about tht time was just crying all the time bc of bein always let down, it rlly affected me bc now i dnt look forward to things.
So thats one problem. Another is tht my step dad is a big alcoholic. The past 4-5 years ive been completely terrified of my step-dad. I always got the feeling tht he was ganna hurt me. One story is…ok so one night, my mom, step-dad, and i allwent to like my moms friends 40th b-day party. So during the party someone told my mom tht there was some “shady people” down in the bar (the party was on the 2nd floor, bc there were like 2-10 yr old there). After we left my mom idk had like said something about the ppl in the bar. My step-dad, Kevin (who had a little to much to drink…btw “a little” was an understatement), started yelling at my mom sayin tht his father and his friends (who were firemen) went to those kinds of bars. And since this was all happening on the highway, kevin was like speeding bc he was so mad. I was feeling like my life was flashing before my eyes. Eventually we got to this CVS parking lot and he kicked my mom out of the car. She told me to come too but kevin said no and started to drive away. I was scared out of my mind. Thankfully he stoped and told my mom to get in. She was crying histerically. So basically the whole time in tht situation i felt like i was ganna die, like we were ganna crash into another car or drive off a bridge. And this all happened when i was like 11 or 12. Theres another story but tht one was similar to this one just not on the highway, nor in a car. So im not rlly ganna explain it unless someone asks.
So my mail problem right now is…well…i get attached to people to easily. Ive just had so much heart break. The fact tht im rlly sensitive and get hurt easily doesnt help. So theres this girl Emilie who im like IN-LOVE with. Idk if she feels the same. She has just broken up with this other kid, and its been like 2 months since the breakup. And its like everywhere she askes me to join or even a few pics, involve him. And it hurts me bc she keeps sayin tht shes madly in love with him. </3 . I dnt think anyone knows hw badly i wnt to be him. To hav her love me like she loves him is just..well i feel like its ganna be the cure to my depression. Sure she tells me she loves me. But she also tells it to all her friends. So idk if she means it like i would hope she does. She tells me tht she means it in tht sort of way but its hard to believe her. Idk wat to do :'(. I love her so much and she wont give me a chance (she did once but tht doesnt rlly count bc i didnt rlly know her or wat it was like to be a good boyfriend..well i still dnt know…but i think ive gotton better). I hope no one judges me for this but..when i herd tht she didnt like me anymore and she liked my friend..like alot…i injured. Ik ik it wasnt the best idea..but it felt right at the time..im kinda hoping she doesnt read tht part of this blog thing. Later on she went out with him…i spent the whole week crying. For hours each night. Im…just a mess right now. I sometmes think tht no one will ever love me. :'( . Also, due to other relationships, i hav seviere trust issues, well not trust issues bit like, i cnt believe if someone rlly loves me or if their just feelin bad for me. Bc some ppl hav only said they loved me or gone out with me bc they felt bad. Its a terrible feeling. Fact of the matter is, i just love Emilie so much, ill nvr love anyone else like the way i love her (ik tht someones ganna say “thts not true, ull find someone else” but no. Shes the one and only one tht ill evr love like this).
So at school im known as the emo kid. It doesnt bother me tht they call me emo. Bc i am. The problem is tht im like hated. Im the “back up friend”. Meaning tht when ever someone cancels on someone, i get called bc they wnt someone to hng out with. They know ill always say yes, bc they know tht i just wnt someone to like me. Its hard to tell whos my true friend and who just feels bad for me. Im always hearing different things so..well idk wat to think anymore. I just wish that someone cares about me. I feel so alone in this world.
Theres probably more but this was all that i could think about writing. If anyone has any questions ask. And comment if u want.