its been over four years since i SIed… and it feels really strange to talk about it… even through an anonymous internet post. i never really got help before… i just sort of… stopped. i got into a relationship and for a while the guy i was with helped me deal with everything and i didnt feel the need to hurt myself anymore. but then things kind of went downhill. I was diagnosed with cancer last october… and i haven’t dealt with it very well. i guess i switched to a different way of injuring… i got tattoos for the sake of the pain… got into substances. broke up with the bf of three years and thought i was embracing life by partying the way i was. but  i’ve calmed down some… finished my chemo treatments. and things got a little bit better.

 but now i feel like im losing control again… ive always been really self concious about my weight. i’m not huge… just slightly bigger than the rest of my friends, but ive always been self conscious about it.  my food issues have gotten worse lately.  i know its not smart especially considering me not knowing where im at with my cancer… but im tired of being ashamed of my body. i’m also scared i’m going to hurt myself again… i’ve been able to resist so far. i get the urge to injure and i let it pass… i remember when a few people found out before and i know i dont want to go through that again… but it’s starting to get overwhelming.

my friends havent been very helpful… ive felt kind of left out lately.i have a busier schedule than them and so they do things without inviting me sometimes. weve talked about it and they have said they dont want me to feel excluded… but they did it agian this past saturday. all three of them went out without me, and the way i wasnt told… the last thing i heard from them before finding out they went without me… makes it sound like they didnt want me there. like it was some big secret. i know that they probably have no idea how bad it gets for me… how low it makes me feel. but i don’t think i could explain it to them without sounding crazy.

i dont know who to talk to. i think my best friend knows to some extent that i used to SI… and that i get depressed. but when we talk about it she says the typical responses like “it’ll pass” or things like that. when weve discussed SI or eating disorders though… she’s made remarks about how she “could never be that weak.” and this only made me feel like i definitely couldnt tell her anything. i dont want to be seen as weak or pitiful by my friends. but i do feel weak. i feel like at any minute im going to give in and start SI again. and i dont know what to do.