Just when I thought my life could not get any worse or more lonesome, my mom died. She died while sleeping for no particular reason at 52 years old. She wasn’t sick or had any illnesses we didnt knew of. The autopsy said her lungs were swollen but its an unexplained cause of death. My mom and my two older sisters are my everything. I have no friends. All I had was my mother and she died for no particular reason. Did I do something wrong and I’m being punished? The few acquaintances I had desserted me after I told them my mom died. Thats expected of acquaintances right? I dont know what to do. I still love my ex boyfriend, he was the only friend I had, the only one outside of my two sisters and my mom who cared about me, but he just decided one day he’s gonna try not to love me anymore since he has a new girlfriend that he’d rather be with than me. What did I do wrong, what am I doing wrong? Why does my life keep getting worse? I have been depressed since I was 14 years old. My mom knew but she didnt how to help me or get help for me. I didnt know how either. All I ever wanted was someone to care about me and love me not just because they have to but because they wanted to. I’ve turned to S.I before, found temporary love there but I dont wanna return. I am 22 and I basically flunked out college, due to my depression and now I’m graduating with horrible grades, no hope for a job in my country, no future. Whats the point of waking up each day when all you had keeping you alive keeping you motivated to get up out of bed and at least try to start your day, is suddenly gone? What else is left, when your future looks bleak? When you cannot even envision yourself in your dreams living a few years down the line? What do you do when it the future is hazy and no matter how hard you try to see something in the fog, you just cant? What do you do then? Because I am tired of praying because sometimes I dont know if God listens to me anymore and I am tired of crying.
Stacec-
I am going through a similar thing right now. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and the doctors were amazed at how well her recovery was going. Then one night while watching tv she closed her eyes and never woke up. The doctors said that she had a massive heart attack, but she never had heart problems. I am still mouring her loss, because she was my best friend, always there when I needed anything. I have also questioned God and asked “why”, but have come to this conclusion. Some things God shows us the answers to immediately, and it helps with healing and moving on. But some answers He will hold for us and give us at a later date. It allows us time to grieve in a proper fashion and not just over look the loss. It allows us the opportunity to bookmark the loss so that it is never overlooked. I believe that the way you describe you mom, and her being such an amazing piece of your life is an indication of her being a part of you. She gave you her legacy so that you can intertwine it with your life, so her memory will live on. Your mom would not want you to harm yourself, and she wouldn’t want you to be sad. She would want her memory to bring a smile to your face and a giggle to your lips.
Love is a funny thing……it can be the best thing and the worst thing. Some people don’t know how to deal with love and or loss, and that’s what seems to have happened to your friends and ex. They are young, as are you and with time and maturity they will see how there actions were painful. Look for older more mature people to involve yourself with, people with life experience who can help you through this difficult time. And stay away from the idea of love right now. You might be looking for love to block out some of the pain your feeling, but you need time alone for proper healing. When the time is right, someone will come into your life.
I know what you mean when you said you wonder if God is listening. Sometimes we can feel so alone, but He is there and He is listening. Remember that the bible says that 1 day is 1000 years and 1000 years is like 1 day to God. So when we want answers and actions right away, God is busy moving things into place for us, He’s preparing our path. I know it’s not what you want to hear but, have patience. Take one day at a time and find something everyday that you can find happiness with and be grateful about. Like today, I can say I am happy that I saw a sunrise on the way to work and am grateful that I got to talk to you.
Thank you so much for your response. I wrote this early in the morning after a night of no sleep and crying. I wasnt even expecting a response. Thank you so much it has helped me a great deal. I also agree with what you said that I should look for older more mature friends (if only I knew how to make friends) and also that I should stay away from love right now as I have seen where I have probably been a little bit too clingy and needy to people and they probably felt annoyed. Overall, I just feel lost, like I have no idea where to go from here with my life. I’m just stuck in this grieving sad mess with no one to talk to, no one to help, no one to help me to know what to do. 🙁
Stacec- Make goals through school and set out to do amazing things. Parents want their children to be better then they were and to have achievements that surpass their own. Look to school as a positive direction and devote yourself to that. When we look too hard for things, sometimes we look past the answer. There are groups to join and study sessions to be a part of at school, and those type of things are baby steps toward building relationships with people. You have to put yourself first and realize that you deserve to be successful and have people treat you right. Being lost is part of life, there are hills and there are valleys. Right now you are in the valleys and it seems like you will never reach the top of the hill again, but trust me, some day you will be shouting from the hill top and forget you were ever in that valley. Desperation is a scary thing, but there are people out there that care, don’t be afraid to find them.