I’ve been suffering from depression for 12 years. I’ve hit rock bottom before. What I didn’t realize the first time I hit rock bottom, that it was going to happen again.
I remember the first time I SIed… I was in 7th grade… To me, it became an addiction. But in 10th grade the numbness overtook everything… that’s when I hit rock bottom. After doing what I did, I had a liver barely holding on, and the guilt of having literally 20 people crammed in my hospital room just to show their love. Yes, guilt. I KNOW people love me. I KNOW I have things going for me. I know how wonderful of a person I am. But it doesn’t change my depression. It doesn’t change how I feel.
Things started looking up for the next few years. I wasn’t SIing as much. The depression was there, it was pretty much a constant. But it was manageable… I was starting to feel. The numbness was dissipating.
You know those physical symptoms you get with depression? Aches, pains, chest pains. I was getting them very severe…ended up going to a cardiologist for Mitral Valve Prolapse. Very common, not serious condition at all. In the process of figuring out what exactly was going on with me, my medications were increased, decreased, stopped, started. All in a span of 3 weeks.
Yes, you got it. Rock Bottom part II. I didn’t wake up to a room full of friends. Those last 5 years, I just isolated myself. Scared them away, even. After all, who wants to be with the crazy girl, right?
After that incident, it was 6 months until the next time I SIed – longest time for me ever. One of my more happy streak. It would be a year when I SIed next… more than double of the time in between.
And here I am, another year after that… clinging on to all of my power not to hit rock bottom again. Because let me tell you, I’m almost there. I’m reaching out because I don’t want to be there. I want to be happy, social, not scared to leave my apartment or go to class. I need to feel something more…