Its been a while since Ive posted here. Ive been ok for the most part. On the outside im so normal! If you saw me in person, talked to me on the phone, hung out with me, you would NEVER suspect the thoughts that go through my head. Or what I have hidden in any purse I pick up for the day. No one knows who I am anymore. I dont tell me best friend. I dont tell anyone. Its easier this way. I used to tell my best friend about it all. Every time I injured we’d talk about it, and shed say things like “im sorry, try harder next time” and I realized well its the only thing she really can tell me. Whats she suppose to tell me? Its ok to be stupid and harm myself? Tell me its ok to have so many tools hidden in different places that I even surprise myself? Tell me its ok I hurt myself instead of telling people how i feel? Im so fake it makes me sick. No one understands it. I cant tell her “Hey guess what, Im not who i pretend to be.”
But then there arent many real reasons for me to injure myself. But its one of those things where I get the urge i cant … not. Ill drive myself crazy thinking about it. Ill push myself to calm down, tell myself I dont need it, but its all useless. Because when the urge hits I need it. Like i dont even know how to explain it. I was si free for almost a month again, but thats back down to nothing. If i didnt have to hide it I know Id do it so much more. Funny how a simple place of SI makes such a difference. And the sad part is i dont even know what triggered me to si today. But i needed it. Thats all. Plain and simple. It was need. Nothing else.
I think another reason is my weight. Ive struggled with my weight since I was young. Ive always been the bigger girl. And now I try to keep a handle on it, try to eat better, not eat out, eat less, eat healthy, but I just end up hurting myself by what I do with food. I think i need help. But at the same time for what? I feel like if i told anyone theyd laugh at me and tell me to go away. Idk. I guess its just one of those days.