Its been a while since Ive posted here. Ive been ok for the most part. On the outside im so normal! If you saw me in person, talked to me on the phone, hung out with me, you would NEVER suspect the thoughts that go through my head. Or what I have hidden in any purse I pick up for the day. No one knows who I am anymore. I dont tell me best friend. I dont tell anyone. Its easier this way. I used to tell my best friend about it all. Every time I injured we’d talk about it, and shed say things like “im sorry, try harder next time” and I realized well its the only thing she really can tell me. Whats she suppose to tell me? Its ok to be stupid and harm myself? Tell me its ok to have so many tools hidden in different places that I even surprise myself? Tell me its ok I hurt myself instead of telling people how i feel? Im so fake it makes me sick. No one understands it. I cant tell her “Hey guess what, Im not who i pretend to be.”
But then there arent many real reasons for me to injure myself. But its one of those things where I get the urge i cant … not. Ill drive myself crazy thinking about it. Ill push myself to calm down, tell myself I dont need it, but its all useless. Because when the urge hits I need it. Like i dont even know how to explain it. I was si free for almost a month again, but thats back down to nothing. If i didnt have to hide it I know Id do it so much more. Funny how a simple place of SI makes such a difference. And the sad part is i dont even know what triggered me to si today. But i needed it. Thats all. Plain and simple. It was need. Nothing else.
I think another reason is my weight. Ive struggled with my weight since I was young. Ive always been the bigger girl. And now I try to keep a handle on it, try to eat better, not eat out, eat less, eat healthy, but I just end up hurting myself by what I do with food. I think i need help. But at the same time for what? I feel like if i told anyone theyd laugh at me and tell me to go away. Idk. I guess its just one of those days.
Some things to think about…..
Would you tell a friend to go get help if she were going through the same things? We ALL need help once in a while.
Did injuring really just come out of the blue today? What were the feelings you were trying to get rid of? Again…you don’t need to answer, just think about it.
I would encourage you to read the book “Bodily Harm” and think about using the impulse control log you can find in the book (or on the website).
Tell someone what’s going on – reach out for help. Not just from friends, but from a therapist/counselor/adult you can trust. Check out the referral page at our website http://www.selfinjury.com – it’s a drop down box under “Referrals” – see if there is a therapist in your area.
There is help…you just need to reach out for it.
Best wishes, Pam
Friends can only say so much for support, they can only do so much. There are there if you need to talk, someone to listen. However, it would be good to get in touch with a professional so that they can help you over come this behaviour that you are using to cope. They are trained and know how to work with people who self injure… they know techniques and have information that they can use or give to you for you to help put new coping tools in place so you do not have to SI.
Professionals are there to help, not laugh at you. They are non judgemental. A professional is a good place to start.
i will tell you that you need to tell someone. but girl your best friend just isn’t it. i know that when i told my she refused to believe it. we aren’t as close as before. people wont laugh at you i promise. i have now officially stopped only this time it’s for good. i also understand what it’s like to have a bunch of things hidden for you to be able to si and what it’s like to be fake. i want you to look for professional help. i think it would help you. best wishes and good luck.