I am 22. I graduate with a music education degree in December. I am an opera singer. I am a teacher, a good teacher. I have tons of friends… and I SI and only a couple people know and only because they have caught me or somehow seen my scars. I injure where no one sees. I stand in front of my students and audiences, who look up to me as a talented and confident person, secure in my ability and in my self. I don’t know how much longer I can put on a face. I have to do something before I ruin my career with a breakdown. I cannot go to my family. It would destroy them! To them, I am perfection. I support myself and never ask for anything, but what I really need is for someone to see that I am fragile beneath my confidence. I need someone to hold me and breath me in to keep me breathing. I need someone to tell me it’s ok to fail, and to help me put myself back together when I do. I need someone I don’t have a fear of disappointing. I don’t think this person exists. Its not a sexual or even lonely longing, just a hope that I can feel real, I can fall into them and know they are real too. I need someone to unbreak me.
There is hope.
I had the exact same feelings. I’m now 21. I struggled with depression for 4 years with SI and suicidal thoughts before I finally told my mom and her boyfriend. I’ve never been so thankful to have someone to support me. I can call her and she will drive to get me when I feel the urge to SI. I’m also the perfectionist in my family. The only child to go to college so their is a lot of pressure. I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help. If you really can’t talk to your family or anyone else talk to me. Pen pals. I may not have advice but I will listen and always respond. I’m going to school to me a counselor so you’ll be helping me develop my skills as hopefully I can help you by being there for you.
jomolascon@gmail.com
you’re not alone
Thank you so much.
Its hard when you have a mask on and you have to keep up with your appearance in fear of people thinking differently. Is it a lot of effort to keep up with the facade, more effort then being real I bet.
Is there anyone in your life that you can open up to, someone you can talk to about how you feel and not judge? Is there a place for you to go and talk to someone about how you feel? Professionals are great in understanding and having compassion. It might work for a time, till you can build up a support network. Its good to have a support network but it sure is hard to build one, bit by bit… it will come together.
I think it is a human longing to have someone to be there, to tell you that everything is going to be alright- Can you be that friend for yourself? Let your inner child, your hurting self know that things will be okay?
Twy
Dear ram,
I started reading your post and swore it could have been me writing 13 years ago. I graduated from a major university with a music ed degree in the 90s sweeping all sorts of schlorships and awards, only I wasn’t self injuring at the time. Still, I can relate to what you wrote. As a young teacher, junior high orchestra students hung off of my every word and movement of my baton, not knowing the darkness beneath the clothes and smiles and passion for music. I wish I knew what to tell you other than you are not alone.
I no longer play my musical instrument, teach or have any desire to participate in music or conducting in any way. I often think that my playing and my conducting got me through one of the most difficult times in my life – I was abused by my college roomate. Music was a safe way to express my emotions. Keep singing. Let the music out. Let the feelings out.
There is hope. I beleive in you.
Dear barista,
Thank you for your kind words. Music is the thing that has been most consistant in my life. Music cannot hurt you. It can bring the hurt out, but it can only help. I agree that music can get you through rough times. I know that the moments I forget my problems are when I am on stage, or even better standing in front of my choir. The kids feed off of my energy and make me feel alive.
I am saddend that you don’t conduct anymore, but I am sure you have a good reason. I cannot tell you how much it means that you responded. I sometimes feel that by working so hard to hide my issues and become such a respected figure I hurt myself in so many ways. My failing would be durastic for so many more than just myself now. My mentors would have no idea, my students, my family, would be devistated. I have to make it for myself, but even more for them.
Thank you to everyone here. I check the blog everyday, and everyday it makes me feel a little less alone.