I thought there was nothing more humiliating than being raped by my best friend and sorority sister. That was 15 years ago. Then I thought there was nothing more humiliating than, after working so hard to be the perfect yet unemployed wife, being told by my husband to leave. That was 4 weeks ago. Then I thought there was nothing more humiliating than having my phone service shut off and having to ask my dad for money again. That was 2 days ago.
When I close my eyes to sleep, the humiliation continues, whether it’s dreams of her or of my old job. I lay down to rest, having not an ounce of physical or emotional energy left, I have to tell myself that it is OK to sleep, OK to stop looking for a job, OK to stop apologizing, OK to stop trying to make up for needing so much from my parents and husband. I am exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I owe too many people too much.
I have nowhere to be. My husband in Texas resents me for spending HIS money. My dad in Illinois resents me for spending HIS money. And I’m not talking about money on shoes or substances, though I take responsibility for my shoe habit (I’ve never touched alcohol or drugs). I’m talking about money on my education, my medicine, my therapy and my hospitalizations. Both men have no problem treating me like a human punching bag. I wonder if I shouldn’t just leave my dog with my parents and hide out in a cave somewhere in Missouri on my way home. Then I won’t need anything from anybody. I am too much for people, even the people who claim to love me most. Maybe the cave will keep me safe.
Today my old therapist asked me why, after I’ve come so far in my recovery, I insist on being such a victim. I will be a victim only so long as I need money and shelter. I NEVER want to need ANYTHING from ANYBODY ever again. I refuse to let people with their own complex issues make me feel like I am their problem because I suffer from profound depression, bipolar and eating issues. Truthfully, I have better coping skills and learned more life lessons than they ever will. I will fight. Fight for my life.