I am so weary of feeling the way I do.  It’s so hard and so unpredictable.  I hate my brain and the things it does to me.  why do I have to suffer in chaos the way that I do?  Everything is in contrast and it’s always fighting, always back and forth and torturous differences.  When will I start tripping out again?  When will I melt into a puddle and be done with?  I want to be ONE I want to even and just one person instead I’m all over the place up and down and sideways.  I hate that I want to hurt myself but I still want to do it so badly.  that desire for it usually wins over the hate of the action.  Why is that?  Why do we do this?  why can’t we just be happy… why can’t I function like a normal person, it’s all this up and down and sideways, all the time, I never know what I will be next and I am so tired of it.  it is all so extreme and intense and i am so weary, so tired.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  What do you do when you don’t want to die but you hate being alive?!