In the 7 years that I’ve struggled with SI, there have been many times that I’ve tried to stop. But after so many times of doing so and being succesful for certain periods of time, I start to wonder..if I really want it to be over. It is so incredibly hard to stop, and once I have succeeded in this, I just see it as, “Oh, I lasted however much longer than last time, good for me. Now I can start all over again.” It’s like this messed up cycle of trying to beat a record just to prove to myself as well as to others that I can stop. But a big part of me just doesnt want to stop forever. The thought makes me sad, and sort of afraid. And I know that the fact that I dont completely want to stop is messed up, which makes me just feel guilty and like I have to be perfect and never mess up with this again. Does anybody else feel this way, or go through these cycles of on-again off-again? I’m currently in a really good place in my life. 2 months clean, longest in 2 years. Recently started dating this guy who I’ve liked a lot for over a year. Everything just seems to be going so well. And for whatever reason, the urges just keep getting stronger. It’s getting harder to reason with myself to stick with it. I guess it’s just something I have to force myself to think around.
I also struggle with SI and have from a child and also now as an adult. I feel that even if I go one day without SIing and then go back for a while and stop for a longer period of time I’ve broken some kind of record I call it “My Personal Best.” To me it’s seems just like any other day and I know the people around me have a really hard time grasping at. I also suffer from OCD so in my case I and my entire world has to be perfect in every which way so for now.
Hi there!
As ironic as it sounds, urges are often stronger after we pass a milestone or record amount of time without SI. I have found it incredibly difficult to allow my self-concept/self-identity to change and reflect who I really am. And part of the real me is the identity of someone who can, and is, recovering. “Oh no! Not success! I can’t handle success! That’s not for me, that’s for other people!” Hurts like heck.
Have you tried writing down your reasons for stopping? Your goals you want to achieve, which SI will interfere with? Then you won’t have to try to remember in the heat of the moment. I wrote down my reasons and taped them on my bedroom wall and (try to remember to) read them out loud every day. Then they get ingrained in your mind/heart more.
Last August-December there was no self harm but then the pressure of having gone 4 months SI free got to me and I relapsed. After that was when I really started thinking about my reasons for stopping, and wrote them down. I have only relapsed a few times since then and found I was able to “bounce back” much more quickly (and without beating myself up mentally).
If you are spiritual you could ask God to help you find solid reasons for stopping, as well as the ability to love and accept yourself.
I’m trying to find something to say so this comment doesn’t end so bluntly, but “hang in there” or “good luck” don’t seem to be appropriate…so…recovery is possible – not usually a straight course, more like an upward spiral.
Dear person,
I’m sorry but I feel like I am at a different end of a spectrum. There were times about 5-10 years ago that I couldn’t go long at all without hurting myself. Now my self injury is far less frequent. I go from 6 months to 18 months without hurting myself and when I do I sure wish I hadn’t. I know too much now and involved too many other people in my life. I am married and have a beautiful relationship with my family including my 3 year old Goddaughter and 5 year old nephew. For the first time in my 35 years, I have 2 women I can truly call best friends. I had a job I cared about and stayed at for almost 5 years. I feel like I’ve stepped up, taken responsibility for my actions, made commitments to people and jobs and want to stop the cycle of manipulation in my marriage. I don’t want to hurt myself any more but am afraid that no matter how hard I try I might “lapse” without trying to or thinking about it.
For example, I had my second foot and ankle surgery within 14 months in early September. I was forced off of my feet and unemployed, relying on an overworked husband for help, care and attention. In an act that I thought would help me get back on my feet, start helping around the house and look for a job to start earning my place in my house and my marriage, I sat on the kitchen floor and took off my fiberglass cast while my husband was out with friends. Because of my history, he interpretted my actions as screaming manipulation an ordered me halfway across the country back to my parents’ house. We tried marriage counseling for three weeks but I still didn’t feel welcome in my own home.
Last Friday, I packed the car and drove my dog from Texas to Illinois. While I was welcome in Illinois, chaos erupted here as well. I am in a position of having to ask my parents’ for help, emotionally and financially for the umpteenth time and just as my husband was fed up, my dad was fed up as well. I find myself fighting fair and apologizing to people who have no problem taking out their anger and issues on me. I feel just as demoralized and humiliated as I felt when I was raped 13 years ago.
Think of having nothing, asking for just a tiny bit more than nothing, and that’s what I have financially, phsically, emotionally and spiritually. I’m so worried that I have to tell myself that it’s OK to sleep and even then it takes me hours. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen when I took off that cast. I truly believed in my manic, racing mind that I was doing something good.
And that’s what scares me. I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t want something like this to happen ever again. I seem to, under very extenuating and stressful circumstances, hurt myself again despite my best efforts. Is it my automatic response? I told my therapist, marriage counselor, husband and therapist that I never should have married anybody because of my history of self injury. I know how hard it is to be me. I never should have drawn anybody else into it.
That being said,I am heading back to Texas on Monday. I am going to fight for my marriage and more importantly, fight for my life. I had a job interview before I left and I’m hoping that other people are praying for me to get the job because at this point, I don’t think God would listen to me. I am frustrated that once again, safety, guilt, and shame are at the forefront of my life. I’m also embarrassed and frustrated that I once again have to regain trust from the people I love.
I don’t want to hurt myself ever again. I wish I could guarantee I won’t. The question now is, can the man I married live with that reality and if he can’t, can I live with him? I never wanted it to come to this. Stay safe, ladies and gentlemen. You don’t want to go through this. Stay safe.