In the 7 years that I’ve struggled with SI, there have been many times that I’ve tried to stop. But after so many times of doing so and being succesful for certain periods of time, I start to wonder..if I really want it to be over. It is so incredibly hard to stop, and once I have succeeded in this, I just see it as, “Oh, I lasted however much longer than last time, good for me. Now I can start all over again.” It’s like this messed up cycle of trying to beat a record just to prove to myself as well as to others that I can stop. But a big part of me just doesnt want to stop forever. The thought makes me sad, and sort of afraid. And I know that the fact that I dont completely want to stop is messed up, which makes me just feel guilty and like I have to be perfect and never mess up with this again. Does anybody else feel this way, or go through these cycles of on-again off-again? I’m currently in a really good place in my life. 2 months clean, longest in 2 years. Recently started dating this guy who I’ve liked a lot for over a year. Everything just seems to be going so well. And for whatever reason, the urges just keep getting stronger. It’s getting harder to reason with myself to stick with it. I guess it’s just something I have to force myself to think around.