I thought that I wanted to stop, but … now I’m not so sure. I like the idea of being done with SI, but the struggles it takes to become free of it make me unsure if I want to go through with it. Everytime I try to stop and make it free a bit longer something comes up and I do it again. Maybe I just don’t try hard enough … I think part of it is I’m afraid to try. I don’t want to loose the one thing I have control of in my life. And I can’t see me without it … I don’t know how I could possibly continue and get through day to day struggles without some form of release. Pe0ple say that there are other ways to find a release, but I can’t explain it – none of them work for me. I just … I don’t know it’s like I half way want to stop and the other half wants to/needs to keep doing it.