Hi
I last posted in June, for the same reason. It was the day before I was going to a dermatologist for a laser treatment on a SI area. The doctor doesn’t know it’s from SI. I told him a lie. Whenever I go in there, I feel like a liar, a phony, a fraud. I wish I could pour out my feelings to him and tell him how much this bothers me. But I have found that the more you “pretend” it doesn’t bother you that much, the more likely they are to treat you. So I pretend to act happy, greet him with a happy handshake, everybody is all smiles. My heart is pounding.
My main fear is, he won’t do the laser. The past 2 times, he has asked me if I wanted to stop since it was looking better. I hate this. It creates a fear in me that he is going to stop helping me. I have to worry myself sick for days before I see him that he’s not going to do the laser. He’s planted this seed of doubt in my head that he would like to stop. But I just cheerily tell him I’d like to do more, and surprisngly he says “ok” and we do another laser treatment. I just dread the day when he says “no more”. Will that day be tomorrow? If so, I’ll be devastated.
What might look “good” or “better” to the doctor is not what looks good or better to me. I want to erase as much as I can. But that is because of the shame. And I can’t tell him that, because I’ve already fed him a fake story so I could get treatment in the first place and not be seen as “crazy” and referred to a psychiatrist. (I do have a psychiatrist now, but he doesn’t know this).
So I feel like a thief each time I go in there, sneaking in to “steal” a laser treatment from the doctor, who doesn’t know the real story.
It’s so awful. If you tell the doctor the truth, they won’t treat you. If you lie, they will. Then you feel guilty. Then they don’t understand just how bad you need that laser treatment to try to hide the scar and the guilt and the shame. I hate it, I hate the medical system, especially in Illinois, where I live, where the doctor’s #1 priority is to not be sued so s/he keep his/her insurance premiums low. The patient comes second here.
Anyway….glad to have this place to post and rant to. I do appreciate all the comments and support and feedback I get. Please leave a comment if you have even the smallest thought.
You’ve really intrigued me here. I knew there were tattoo-like treatments for scars, but I can’t find anyone in the St. Louis area that is offering it. I would personally stick with the story if it’s getting the scars removed. However, the more important thing is that you are committed to stopping self injury. Are you in any type of therapy? Your urge to reach out to your doctor kind of made me think that maybe you aren’t ready for this big of a step. I think it’s great you’ve been able to find a resource that is able to rid you of the physical scars associated with self injury. Unfortunately though, scars or not, your laser treatment isn’t going to erase emotional pain. If you’ve been able to stop S.I. and are able to cope in healthy ways, then go for it. I just hope you’re not moving too fast.
Like dmbfan1216, my first thought is laser surgery??? Tell me more. I’d love to know. By now your appointment is past. I hope it went well. I know I have major anxiety around my scars. I understand how tied in a knot one can get over them. I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. When I needed medical help with an injury I lied. And I didn’t follow through with the specialist I was supposed to go to because I was paralyzed by shame– I guess it was shame. When my mind is somewhat healthy it’s hard to understand myself from some other state. Anyway, what I mean to be saying here is that what my therapist tells me every time I have to see some doctor or another and am melting with anxiety is that I can tell the truth and just also say I’m under treatment and even give them his number. My fear is that they will freak out and call an ambulance or something drastic or that they won’t treat me like a human but if I can just own it. That happened. It’s in the past. I’m under treatment. It sounds like you’re afraid of the doctor abandoning you if he finds out the truth. I’ve been pretty amazed with humanity. I’m find that the more I reach out people can be pretty awesomely supportive. I don’t have much experience with feeling supported– I really didn’t know about support. What would it feel like if you told the truth and were met with acceptance?