I last posted in June, for the same reason.  It was the day before I was going to a dermatologist for a laser treatment on a SI area.  The doctor doesn’t know it’s from SI.  I told him a lie.  Whenever I go in there, I feel like a liar, a phony, a fraud.  I wish I could pour out my feelings to him and tell him how much this bothers me.  But I have found that the more you “pretend” it doesn’t bother you that much, the more likely they are to treat you.  So I pretend to act happy, greet him with a happy handshake, everybody is all smiles.  My heart is pounding.

My main fear is, he won’t do the laser.  The past 2 times, he has asked me if I wanted to stop since it was looking better.  I hate this.  It creates a fear in me that he is going to stop helping me.  I have to worry myself sick for days before I see him that he’s not going to do the laser.  He’s planted this seed of doubt in my head that he would like to stop.  But I just cheerily tell him I’d like to do more, and surprisngly he says “ok” and we do another laser treatment.  I just dread the day when he says “no more”.  Will that day be tomorrow?  If so, I’ll be devastated.

What might look “good” or “better” to the doctor is not what looks good or better to me.  I want to erase as much as I can.  But that is because of the shame.  And I can’t tell him that, because I’ve already fed him a fake story so I could get treatment in the first place and not be seen as “crazy” and referred to a psychiatrist.  (I do have a psychiatrist now, but he doesn’t know this).

So I feel like a thief each time I go in there, sneaking in to “steal” a laser treatment from the doctor, who doesn’t know the real story.

It’s so awful.  If you tell the doctor the truth, they won’t treat you.  If you lie, they will.  Then you feel guilty.  Then they don’t understand just how bad you need that laser treatment to try to hide the scar and the guilt and the shame.  I hate it, I hate the medical system, especially in Illinois, where I live, where the doctor’s #1 priority is to not be sued so s/he keep his/her insurance premiums low.  The patient comes second here.

Anyway….glad to have this place to post and rant to.  I do appreciate all the comments and support and feedback I get.  Please leave a comment if you have even the smallest thought.