I look at my life and what I’ve become and I am in utter disbelief. How did I let it get this far? I look in the mirror only to find a ghost of something that I know was once alive with life and vitality. Now I see defeat and hopelessness. I have allowed myself to be driven so far into my own insanity that when I’m there its the only time I experience clarity. Each time I make the journey I travel further into the darkness and lose more and more of my light.
I reached a point of absolute darkness, even though at the time I felt complete control and relief. Finally, I controlled the pain. As I SI I felt strength and control. Two things I’d forgotten existed in my life and mind. It was twisted and irrational, however it was real and freeing. I felt free. It felt natural and real, but what it was…was something so opposite.
When I look at these wounds they are a symbol of weakness and a compete loss of control. But the memory of how it was then is unchanged. And now I see how this breeds addiction, which is the definition of out of my own control…and still I want to feel agian.l