I look at my life and what I’ve become and I am in utter disbelief.  How did I let it get this far?  I look in the mirror only to find a ghost of something that I know was once alive with life and vitality.  Now I see defeat and hopelessness.  I have allowed myself to be driven so far into my own insanity that when I’m there its the only time I experience clarity.  Each time I make the journey I travel further into the darkness and lose more and more of my light.

I reached a point of absolute darkness, even though at the time I felt complete control and relief.  Finally, I controlled the pain.  As I SI I felt strength and control.  Two things I’d forgotten existed in my life and mind.  It was twisted and irrational, however it was real and freeing.  I felt free.  It felt natural and real, but what it was…was something so opposite.

When I look at these wounds they are a symbol of weakness and a compete loss of control.  But the memory of how it was then is unchanged.  And now I see how this breeds addiction, which is the definition of out of my own control…and still I want to feel agian.l