I haven’t been on here for a while. I was in a dark place, and sometimes found it that if I read more about SI, the more I wanted to do it. Thankfully I have been able to hold back – most of the time.
Lately, though things are stressful and I find myself back in a deep depression. It has been over 6 months since I moved to a new state, and things have not improved. I am truly miserable, but I feel so stuck. I can’t afford to quit my job and/or move back to the area I came from. The company I relocated with paid a lot of money toward my move and if I leave the company before a certain time frame I have to pay back all that money. I can in no way afford it. So instead I dread waking up every morning going to a job I can’t stand, and uncontrollably sobbing at night because I know I have to go back to work the next day. And this is how it has to be for several more months. It makes me sad and depressed to think about. Since I can’t really express my feelings at work, I come home with so much frustration, and anger that I feel destructive. It’s like I want to slam things or something. But I know by doing this I can potentially break/damage something that will be worth more to replace. So because of this fear I find it easier to take the anger and frustration out on myself.
Sometimes I think the SI still pops every now and then, because I know it is my fault for putting myself in this situation. I chose to take this relocation and now I regret it – A Lot – and I need to punish myself for my mistake.
My self confidence, self esteem and overall attitude toward life has taken a drastic downturn. I find myself hating the way I look, hating the way I act, and hating that I can’t just suck things up and deal with this for a little while longer. There is so much self-hate and I can’t make it go away. This has led to becoming so introverted that its hard to meet people to make friends or just have someone to talk to. Sometimes I think using SI as self punishment will help, but I think that only reinforces the bad feelings I have toward me.
I have changed. In only six short months I have changed and I hate myself for it. This is how I felt when I was a teenager and at one of the lowest points in my life. I took a huge positive step after high school, and found myself breaking out of my shell and loving me and life for several years after. Now I feel like I will never get those good feelings back.
I know compared to some, I have it pretty good – but sometimes I just want to feel the way I feel and not feel guilty for hating my job when others out there are struggling to find work. I went though a lot of really bad stuff growing up. Selfishly, I think that now it is my time to be happy for good since I have already had my “bad moments”. I think, ” I don’t deserve this”. But really, it could be worse – I know, I have been there and I try to keep that in perspective.
I pray for positive changes ahead. Sometimes I think that is all I can do for now – unless I win the lottery or something and have the means to leave my job.