I need to get this out and I don’t feel like there’s anywhere else I can go or anyone else I can talk to right now. I started self-harming when I was 13, and finally stopped when I was 20. That was a year and a half ago. Over the months, the desire to start again has been getting stronger and stronger, seeping into every part of my life, especially with the stress of my new job. To start to self-harm again would mean leaving the place where I’m currently living, which I would HATE. I have lost too many things to mental illness and I refuse to lose anything else. But it’s SO HARD. I’ve been re-reading my old journals that I’ve kept over the past 8 years, which brings up a lot of memories but also a lot of questions because there’s so much that I simply cannot remember. In the past year I’ve also learned so much about myself, and who I really am as a person, and I can’t STAND the person I’ve become. But I didn’t realize my own true colors. It was like looking into a mirror your whole life only to discover that that mirror had a special film on it, and when you peel it off, you see yourself as you really are, but it’s COMPLETELY different from who you’d been staring at all that time. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do, and I’m slipping, and there’s no where to go. To admit that I’m struggling is to be a failure again, and to lose everything I’ve build for myself in the past year and a half. I’m so frustrated that I’m still having this dilemma. I feel like I haven’t grown at all in all these years. Only now I’m too old, at 21 no one cares whether I live or die. People only care about teenagers. Though no one particularly cared when I was a teen either. I’m so frustrated!!!!!!