I need to get this out and I don’t feel like there’s anywhere else I can go or anyone else I can talk to right now. I started self-harming when I was 13, and finally stopped when I was 20. That was a year and a half ago. Over the months, the desire to start again has been getting stronger and stronger, seeping into every part of my life, especially with the stress of my new job. To start to self-harm again would mean leaving the place where I’m currently living, which I would HATE. I have lost too many things to mental illness and I refuse to lose anything else. But it’s SO HARD. I’ve been re-reading my old journals that I’ve kept over the past 8 years, which brings up a lot of memories but also a lot of questions because there’s so much that I simply cannot remember. In the past year I’ve also learned so much about myself, and who I really am as a person, and I can’t STAND the person I’ve become. But I didn’t realize my own true colors. It was like looking into a mirror your whole life only to discover that that mirror had a special film on it, and when you peel it off, you see yourself as you really are, but it’s COMPLETELY different from who you’d been staring at all that time. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do, and I’m slipping, and there’s no where to go. To admit that I’m struggling is to be a failure again, and to lose everything I’ve build for myself in the past year and a half. I’m so frustrated that I’m still having this dilemma. I feel like I haven’t grown at all in all these years. Only now I’m too old, at 21 no one cares whether I live or die. People only care about teenagers. Though no one particularly cared when I was a teen either. I’m so frustrated!!!!!!
There is always someone who cares. I know what you mean I’m 21 too and it seems like a si is only a tenn problem and once were older we shouldn’t have any problems or we should be able to deal. But don’t lose faith, and you can make it. Take it one day at a time. Your not alone.
I agree with the reply to a degree. There is always someone who cares. The trick is finding that person to talk to that can help. In my experience I have tried to seek out those people only to find I was hurt further. Or that others who did help can’t relate to this issue.
I soon hope for the sake of us adults SAFE Alternatives is able to re-open the adult intensive soon as winter id coming and right now “hibernation” is slowly becoming the only option.
For me to deal with the issues helps much better than stuffing them… and lately it seems like I have gotten back into that. I weighed myself although my ego was lighter, the rest of me is getting fuller.
Maybe soon the powers to be at SAFE Alternatives will have some good news for all.
Until then I remind everyone there is help out there, sometimes not the right help but there is help.
It’s not a ‘Just being dumb situation, trust me I was in the same boat you are in.
I am also 21 years old. I was a former injurer. I finally kicked the habit when I was 19 when I graduated highschool, but little did I know my life was about to go through an emotional rollercoaster. I lost my boyfriend of over a year my freshman year of college, and that sent me back into relapse. I had a heck of a time finding my way through college and after switching my major and having my loan with held my nerves were on end. I also was at my wits end with my job which wasn’t paying me anything.
Slowly but surely things started to come around though. I met a new man after I relapsed and he gave me a reason to try not to hurt myself. He became my best friend, and later on, my boyfriend. I took a good hard look at myself, and like you I realized I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. So, I took that image…that reflection I had and I broke it. I shattered it. I quit my college and found a new one and a new major. I quit my job and found a new one that paid better. I decided that my life is too short to do a bunch of stuff that didn’t make me happy. I’m now in an awesome college becoming a veteranary technician, with a side job waitressing at a decent little resteraunt, and that friend that became my boyfriend? well hes basically the love of my life, and we are working on making sure my mind is stable, no matter what the future holds.
Life is tough trust me I’ve been through a lot of it. I’ve gone two years now without injuring, and I am finally happy with myself. You can always change your future. You do not have to be unhappy. You have to start making yourself happy first, because if you aren’t satesfied with yourself, how can you be satesfied with the people and situations around you? There is no shame in starting over. Do what makes you happy and never ever look back.