All week, I’ve been struggling with my happiness. I was so torn apart for small reasons. Today I finally felt like maybe things will get better, but out of no where, my mom pushes me back down. I asked her if I could spend the night at a friend’s house and have a movie night with her. She said no. Why? Because I’m bi, she doesn’t know the girl, and she thinks I would do things with her. She thinks that it’s safe for me not to go over there. She said that she wouldn’t let me spend the night over at a guy’s house, so why would it be okay for me to go over to a girl’s house if I like girls? That’s so unfair, I wasn’t even thinking about doing anything with my friend! She has a boyfriend and I’m not that type of person to do stuff like that with a friend.
So after being told all that, I went to my room and cried my eyes out. I jumped in the shower because I couldn’t trust myself alone in my room and I didn’t want my mom or dad or sister to walk in on me crying, because they would just tell me to suck it up. I took a shower and cried the entire time, I blared the music so my family wouldn’t hear me cry. I’ve learned that in my house, emotions aren’t aloud. Nope, if you’re feeling sick or you just had a bad day, go to your room and don’t come out until you’re better. They don’t want to deal with it, they don’t want to hear about it, they don’t want to know. So why do they expect me to tell them what goes on in my life if all they’re going to do is push me down.
For once, two weeks ago, I came out to my mom and told her that I’m bisexual, and I’ve already had two girlfriends. She was accepting and seemed to already know. So I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal and that it wouldn’t affect with anything before. But apparently it did. I’m not aloud to spend the night at anyone’s house, except for my closest friend, who’s a girl. That’s all. One friend. She doesn’t even go to my school anymore, she lives in a different town. I can’t spend a lot of time with her, because of the distance deal. It’s not fair.
I am so emotionally shut off from the world that I almost don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I’m unhappy and no one sees that. No one cares. I feel so alone. All I wanted was to get out of the house and break free from my home life. But I can’t, I never can. I’m stuck in this unhappy place. I can’t get out, I can’t be happy. I can’t tell anyone because I don’t think they would care. Life doesn’t seem that important to me. Just glide through high school, move out, live on my own, or with my best friend, go to college, and whatever comes after. I don’t care. I just want to be happy, but I don’t think I will be. Not with my parents giving me no support whatsoever.